Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Gifts


Christmas can be a stressful event in our life. Imagine, you have to give everyone (your friends, relatives and associates) gifts. Imagine all the parties! Imagine all the spendings that go with them.
I have to make sure that my inaanaks (godchildren) will have gifts this Christmas and I have to do that with such limited budget. I have bought their gifts already. And I believe I wasn't really extravagant. I set a limit of Php200 per child. Well, I exceeded on some but I was also a bit skimpy on the others.
For my closest friends and neighbors, I made them something personal. I didn't realize it could be so tiresome making them. But then, this is the most beautiful gift I have given them. It's something I made, something personal, created with sweat and every ounce of morning energy!

Monday, December 18, 2006

don't expect from people (a fruitful afternoon at National Bookstore)

Yesterday, while waiting for my sister at the mall, I went to National Bookstore, one of my favorite places, and browsed over books (and yes, did a little reading). If I just had all the money in the world, I'd have bought all the books that took my fancy. Unfortunately, I can only afford to read bits and portion of them. Anyway, I saw this book about how to make friends. I forgot the title and the author of the book. I'm just sure it was a bestseller and was written by a famous and bestselling author. :)
It was surely a good read. I was hit in the head when it said, don't expect much from people but care much for them. Do good to them but don't expect anything in return so you won't be disappointed. Anyway, whatever you have done to others will surely come back to you, maybe not in ways you expected. To win friends, you should also be a friend to yourself. Like yourself. Appreciate yourself. Make yourself lovable and don't believe that someone else can make you do that. You don't need a boyfriend/girlfriend to make yourself gorgeous, or to feel good about yourself. You yourself have to do that.
Gosh! I feel like I'm just giving myself a pep talk. Honestly, I really need to appreciate myself and feel beautiful! :)
The book is undoubtedly interesting, fun, and very true. Once you start reading it, you won't be able to put it down.
Hmmm... I'm probably going to get a copy of that soon. Or maybe, this one is cheaper, visit National Bookstore once again and continue my reading... No one will probably notice I'm doing a "free reading". I'll stop every 5 minutes. Walk farther and then go back after some time. ;-) Tell me this is a good idea!

Saturday, December 16, 2006

how disheartening

What do you feel when people ignore you?
I just felt so bad tonight. I was ignored by someone who I never thought could do something like that. I am just disappointed and I feel so bad about it that I can't help but write my disappointment. I am soooo disappointed in you!!!
I hate it.
I don't want to ever talk to you again!
I thought friends are suppose to act as friends. Give a little respect. Say goodbye and not just log out on you!
Hahaay! People can sometimes disappoint you. Sometimes they act in ways you don't comprehend. So it's better if you don't expect anything from them at all.
Okay... I have let it out... I think I'm okay now...
Thank you my dear blog. It's good to have you. It's good to have you listen to my shout outs and ramblings about people.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

a morning with the sped people (12-09-06)


it was nice spending time with them...dancing with them, talking to them, playing with them, taking photos... and watching them dance, sing and recite poems.


it made me realize how blessed i am. and made me realized that whatever we have, we have to be grateful. it's not really with what you and i have in this life that matters but what we are able to do with it.


these guys have special gifts...although different they are, they still need as much love and care we give to "normal" people.


thanks to you guys, SPED class in Bulacao Community School. :)

Friday, November 24, 2006

Aeta teacher in ‘Manoro’ says acting was a breeze


Thu Nov 23, 2006 1:36 pm (PST)

Aeta teacher in ‘Manoro’ says acting was a breeze By Tonette OrejasInquirerLast updated 10:03pm (Mla time) 11/22/2006Published on Page E2 of the November 23, 2006 issue of the Philippine Daily Inquirer ANGELES CITY—They scrounged for money because they had little financial support, tackled an unconventional theme and worked with an all-Aeta cast in a mountain village.Call it pure luck—or faith. All the risks taken by director Brillante Mendoza and producer Ferdinand Lapuz have paid off. The film, “Manoro,” bagged the CinemAvvenire Prize at the 24th Torino International Film Festival in Turin, Italy, on Nov. 18. The award is handed out by a jury composed of 15 young people and journalists. Exactly a week before, it won Best Director and Best Picture in the Digital Lokal competition of the 8th Cinemanila International Film Festival.“Manoro” is also the country’s entry to the Festival of Three Continents in Nantes, France, set later this month, according to the co-producer, Holy Angel University Center for Kapampangan Studies.In the mountain community of Sitio Target, there is palpable thrill and pride over this harvest of awards and the film’s international exposure. The village, located in Barangay Sapang Bato here, was the setting of the film, shot just weeks before the 2004 elections.“We all feel fulfilled and happy,” 16-year-old Jonalyn Ablong, who played herself as the lead character, told the Inquirer on Monday.“Balamu mu minyambut kami rin (It’s as if we also won),” said Tess Pan, community coordinator during the film production.The Nov. 11 awards rites in MalacaƱang, which Pan and some cast members attended, was the subject of lively chatter in the village. Pan said they were laughing about their near-failure to enter the Palace “because most of us just wore slippers.”
Amused, seated among a group of girls and women during the interview, Ablong looked amused at the mention of the word artista, which she has been called since making the movie.She was 14, fresh out of Grade 6 at the time. She said her role, that of a “manoro”—a teacher who taught voters in her tribe how to read, write and count—did not depart from what she did in real life.“Before we started shooting, I was already doing literacy classes for relatives,” she said. “It was not new to me.”Education is highly valued in Target, southwest of the former Clark Air Base, now the Clark Special Economic Zone.
Pan said that when the elders returned to the village in 1998—after living in Nueva Ecija for seven years following Mt. Pinatubo’s 1991 eruptions—among the first structures they rebuilt was an elementary school.RewardAblong was a member of the cultural troupe that depicted, in dances and rituals, the displacement of the Aetas and their aspirations.Carol, Ablong’s mother, was a product of adult literacy classes conducted by Benedictine nuns. She said she had passed on to her daughters her love of learning.
The movie followed Jonalyn, as the manoro, at work in Target and its satellite villages Kalang, Third, Fourth and First Camps at the volcano’s foothills.She taught the elders how to write the initials of the candidates, like “GMA” and “FPJ.”No one in the cast was recognized for acting, Pan said, but it was enough reward that they were all involved in the film.

Lemon Grass


Just a pic of me feasting on good Thai/Viet food... sooo goood, sooo yummy...try Lemon Grass in Ayala. :)

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

To Love Again

I long to love again... can you tell me how to satisfy this longing? It's been a long while and I'm raring to love again...but the song by U-turn isn't about this...it's about how hard it is to love again after getting devastated, hurt, and all that pain and ugly feelings...Anyway, here is a song by U-turn... i just love the melody...;-)

Radio’s fine
It helps me forget for awhile
I look back and recall
Those days I had with you
Sometimes I need a friend
Just to make it through
Another day without you

You gave me all the reasons to live
Then you had to go
And I just got to let you know
Its hard to love again
Just to make it through
Another day spent without you

[chorus]
And I don’t want to go on pretending
That its going to be a happy ending
If I should love again
Once I’ve learned to love again
And, no, it will never be the same
Without you baby
This pain inside me is driving me crazy
‘Cause, its hard to love again

Friends are great
They cheer me up for sometime
When the day is done
My mind is back again with you
Oh God, I need a friend
Just to make it through
Another day spent without you

[repeat chorus ’til fade]

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Our pet goat



Here are pics (using my new Canon IXUS) of our goat. I'm not sure if it's a pet. But it has been with us for months already. It was a gift from my papa's friend. It was a very thin goat when it was given and right now, it has ballooned. We do plan to sell the goat but then there are no buyers...
So goatie, kambing, mehh, behave yourself while with us. :)

Monday, November 13, 2006

Ang Pasko sa Usa ka Pala-utang

To have some savings from my bonus and 13th month, I will cut down on my Christmas expenses which means (1) gifts to my godchildren will be cheaper this year than last year, (2) I won't buy myself any expensive gift coz I already have my digicam, (3) set aside just ??,???.?? for savings (a must!!!) (2) gifts to my siblings and others shall also be in minimal amounts (Sorry, guys, I'm practicing austerity this Christmas).

I really really want to save. And I really want to get out of credit card debt. Yes I really need to...that digicam is my last credit card purchase! Promise! :)

My First Digital Camera


Hey! I now have my own digital camera. My first. My baby.
It took so long for me to get one. Well, I'm no rich gurl. I didn't even bought this one in cold cash. I bought this with the use of my Citibank credit card. I availed of the paylite 0% interest. Hey, I don't have Php19,950 cash, you know. Actually, I had wanted to buy a digicam last year. But my dearest brother asked for a videocam. He begged and rationalized. I just couldn't resist his pleas. When it comes to any of my siblings' requests, just as long as these are needed and when I know these would help them or contribute to their growth, to a fueling of their passion and interests, I'd always be willing to give in. As long as I have the means, I will grant their wishes. This makes me a genie!
My brother's videocam costs Php40,000 and I paid that in Php3k+ monthly installment. It's pretty heavy. It so affected my cashflow. But I'm almost done with it. January 2007, that's the last month that I shall be burdened by P3k+. Phew! But it's not over... I'll be paying P1.6k+ monthly starting December 2006 for the Canon IXUS digicam I bought today. But then again, this is a gift from me to myself!

Saturday, November 04, 2006

The Southern Countryside


A pic I took, on November 1 afternoon, while on the car, on the way home from Dalaguete with my father driving, my mom on the front seat, my lola and I at the back. I'm not quite sure where I took this pic. Was it in Argao, Dalaguete or Sibonga? I took this using my phone's camera. It's not really nice (consider my phone's capability; it's only a N6020 phone) But the view was undoubtedly captivating. This is a ricefield where you see a lot of plastics hanging around it (the pieces of plastic are presumably used to ward off birds). The pic doesn't look like the real thing. It's more of like a painting. Ganda! :0

Friday, November 03, 2006

Ah stupid meh!

Twice already...twice ignored in MSN. I can't believe he can't say a simple hi and then tell me he's busy...
I'm not going to be fooled again... It's vengeance time.

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

My eyes...from clear to clouds (bad title, ey!)

It took a while for me to learn to put on and take off my contacts. There was even a time when I had to call up a friend (who was wearing a pair) in the middle of the night (I came home late, by the way) to ask for some help on how I could take them off. I did everything I possibly could do, even asked the aid of my sister to hold my eyelids and yet I just couldn't take them off. I felt they stuck too well. It was a desperate call. My friend gave me tips, and thankfully they worked!

I never gave up on my contacts easily. I practiced and encouraged myself.
The time really did come when I no longer needed someone else's help. No more desperate calls. I eventually learned to put them on and take them off without looking at the mirror and in such a short time! Yes!!!

Yes, I have conquered my little fear. Oh yes, I have. :)

Saturday, October 21, 2006

My eyes...from clear to clouds...

I started wearing eyeglasses, spectacles, antyohos, antipara, and according to my friend's daughter - clear shades, at the age thirteen, 1st year high school.
I first noticed that my eyes were no longer functioning well during an exam in our Social Studies class. I was seated at the back. Second to the last seat. The questions for that quiz were written on a Manila paper posted to the blackboard. When I looked at the Manila paper from where I was seated, I realized I couldn't read a thing. I looked at my classmates, my seatmate to the right, to the left and to the back to check if they had any difficulty reading the questions. But they hadn't. They were so engrossed in answering... So I thought, there's nothing wrong w/ the Manila paper. There was something wrong with me. I raised my hand and asked my teacher if I could transfer seat, just for the exam, because I have been having problems with my vision... And you know what my teacher told me? She gave me a straight, NO!. Take your seat!
I was terrified. Oh my God. I'm going to get my first ever zero score! The last recourse, I squinted my eyes.. Lo and behold, I could now decipher the things written on that Manila paper. Not all. But good enough to give me a positive score, not zero! :) From then on, I have been wearing glasses...Not very often, at first. But as my vision worsened, I needed to wear them everyday. It's pretty cumbersome, you know. But do I have much of a choice? Not much. Then in college, when I started attending debut parties of classmates, I began to realize that glasses were a distraction to your face full of make-up. Here I am clad in semi-formal gowns but wearing glasses...Now, I didn't want to look nerdy in formal gowns...so every time I attended a party, I didn't wear glasses. But I'd bring them with me. Just in case, I needed a good view of the debutante or the attendees of the party especially "cute" boys. But throughout most of the duration of the party, I was essentially half-blind. Later in college, some friends who are also visually-impaired have started throwing their glasses and started putting on contact lenses. Those round, soft lenses you put on your eyes...so small, so tiny... They tried to convince me to try it. Oh my! no, never. I was hesitant. No way, I was going to poke my eyes with those things. And they're too expensive. If they get blown away, which I heard, does happen to a lot of contact lens users, there goes your thousand pesos blown away too. It was just impractical! I had a lot of excuses! But the hidden reason was that I was just really too afraid to try them. I thought I could never really get them to put in my eye. It was just not right to be poking something into your eye! I was overriden by the fear. Until... I started working... I realized that I needed to try contacts just once... I recognized my fear and I wanted to eradicate it. So once upon some four years ago, I decided together with a friend, to visit an optometrist. She was also a first-timer. So we went there and had our eyes checked. We were given instructions on how to put them. We tried them. Got our practice... Unfortunately, I was the last person to get my contacts into my eye... It took so long for me...My eyes were getting red already and yet I still couldn't put them on. The optometrist got frustrated. And I was already saying my little prayer,"Oh God. Make this work!" Phew, finally after so many attempts, I got the pair of contacts into my eyes. So now we had to practice how to take them off...Oh my! This maybe difficult. They're so perfectly fit, how could I take them off???!!! And it took another hour to take them off. You know, the problem with me was that, my eyes would immediately close once they see the fingers coming...I was still pretty much fearful...And after so many attempts, I finally got to take them off...

(to be continued...)

Saturday, October 14, 2006

Jesus, take the wheel


Jesus, Take the Wheel
(Carrie Underwood)


She was driving last Friday on her way to Cincinnati
On a snow white Christmas Eve
Going home to see her Mama and her Daddy with the baby in the backseat
Fifty miles to go and she was running low on faith and gasoline
It been a long hard year
She had a lot on her mind and she didn't pay attention
She was going way to fast
Before she knew it she was spinning on a thin black sheet of glass
She saw both their lives flash before her eyes
She didn't even have time to cry
She was sooo scared
She threw her hands up in the air

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this all on my own I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel

It was still getting colder when she made it to the shoulder
And the car came to a stop
She cried when she saw that baby in the backseat sleeping like a rock
And for the first time in a long time
She bowed her head to pray
She said I'm sorry for the way I've been living my life
I know I've got to change
So from now on tonight

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this all my own I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Oh, Jesus take the wheel Oh, I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on
From this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel
Oh, take it, take it from me Oh, why, oh

Sunday, October 08, 2006

You, Me & Dupree trailer

Carl and Molly Peterson (Matt Dillon and Kate Hudson) are just starting their new life together—complete with a cute house, boring neighbors, stable jobs and the routines of newlywed existence. There’s just one unfortunate hitch in their perfectly constructed new world…

And his name’s Dupree.

When God Made You by Newsong

When God Made You

(Guys)
Its always been a mystery to me,
How two hearts can come together,
And love can last forever.
But now that I have found you I believe,
That a miracle has come when God sends the perfect one.
So gone are all my questions about why,
And i've never been so sure of anything in my life

~chorus~
Oh I wonder what God was thinking,
when he created you.
I wonder if He knew everything I would need,
Because he made all my dreams come true.
When God made you,
He must have been thinking about me.

(Girls)
Ooo ooo,I promise that wherever you may go,
wherever life may lead you,
With all my heart I'll be there too.
And from this moment on I want you to know,
I'll let nothing come between us, and I will love the ones you love.
(guy):So gone are all my questions about why
(girl echoes):about why
And I've never been so sure of anything in my life

Duet:Oh I wonder what God was thinking when he created you,
I wonder if He knew everythin I would need,
Because He made all my dreams come true.
When God made you He must've been thinking about me.

Bridge
He made the sun He made the moon,
To harmonize a perfect tune,
One can't do without the other they just have to be together.
And that is how I know its true,
Your for me and i'm for you and my world
Just cant be right without you in my life

Chorus
(guy) He must have heard every prayer
I've been praying (girl echo) I've been praying (both)
He must've knew everything I would need
When God made you,
He must've been thinking about me.

Friday, September 08, 2006

Snow White and Rose Red

Long, long ago in a faraway land in a small cottage near an enchanted forest there lived a poor old woman w/ her two lovely daughters, Snow White and Rose Red. Snow White and Rose Red were very obedient and hardworking children. In the summer, Rose Red would do the housework. Every morning, she would pick a white and a red rose from her mother’s favorite rosebushes and place them on her mother’s bedside. And in the winter, Snow White would light the fire and hang a shiny brass kettle over the fireplace. Every night, the three of them, mother, Snow White and Rose Red would sit by the fireside while their mother would read them stories from a very large book and the two girls spun wool and listened.

One night, they heard huge frantic knocks on the door. When Rose Red opened the door, she jumped up and screamed in terror. A huge black bear stood by the doorstep and stuck its thick black head through the doorway. The family quickly hid themselves from this terrifying creature.
“Don’t be afraid. I won’t harm you. I only want to warm myself by the fire,” the bear called out.
Realizing that the bear was harmless, the old woman came out from her hiding place saying, Poor bear. Do come inside. You’re welcome to stay.

Before long, the girls became friends with the bear. They tugged at his fur, placed their feet on his back and rolled him over. When morning came, the girls led him out to the door and the bear trotted off to the forest. From then on, the bear came every evening to lay by the fireplace and play with the girls.

But springtime finally came. The bear sad sadly bid goodbye to the family.
“Goodbye. I must go now to the forest and guard my treasures against the wicked dwarf.” It was with sad hearts that the family bid goodbye to their new friend.

One day, as the girls were gathering firewood in the forest, they saw a strange little man with a long long beard as white as snow. His beard was caught in the tree crack. He glared at the girls with his fiery red eyes and shouted, “What are you staring at? Come over here and help me!” Snow White and Rose Red hurried up to him. They pulled him with all their might but the beard was stuck too tight. The dwarf got very impatient. Finally, Snow White got a pair of scissors and cut a piece of his beard to set him free. Instead of thanking the girls, the dwarf got very mad. “ How dare you cut my beard!” And he walked away carrying a sack of gold.

After several days, the girls saw the same old grouchy dwarf again hopping near a brook while fishing. Snow White and Rose Red discovered that his beard got entangled with his line, and a big fish was pulling him into the brook. The only way to save the dwarf was to cut another piece of his long, white beard. So Snow White got a pair of scissors and cut a piece of the beard. The dwarf angry and shouted at them, “Now you’ve cut the best part. Then he grabbed a sack of pearls and walked away w/o thanking the girls.

Days later, their mother sent them on an errand to the city. While walking down the streets, a giant eagle appeared from nowhere and scooped a tiny old man, the same old grouchy dwarf. The girls took pity on him and managed to free him the eagles claws. But instead of thanking the girls, the dwarf just stood up and left.

As Snow White and Rose Red were heading towards home, they saw a bag of jewels that the dwarf left behind. They were admiring the jewels when the dwarf came back and scolded them anew.

All of a sudden a huge black bear came out of the forest and gave the evil dwarf a single blow killing him instantly. Snow White and Rose Red saw this giant creature, fearing for their lives, they ran as fast as they could. But the bear called out, Snow White, Rose Red, It’s me!
The black bear came up to them and its bearskin fell off and a handsome prince clad in gold stood before them.
“I’ve been under that wicked dwarf’s spell for a long time. Only his death could turn me back to a prince.
In time, the prince married Snow White, while Rose Red married his brother. The old woman lived many more peaceful and happy years. And they shared all the great treasures the dwarf stole from the prince’s kingdom.


Condensed from a German fairy tale by the Brothers Grimm.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

hmmmm...

I met someone...some guy over the net...actually, i met him through this "friendship site". He emailed me and I replied and we've been corresponding through emails for almost three months now. And...as often as we want. He seems ok. He seems to be a nice person.

I'm just enjoying this friendship...and whatever the future has in store for this kind of friendship, I'm keeping my fingers crossed! ;-)

Friday, March 31, 2006

24

24 is my favorite TV show, a truly gripping, heart-stopping suspense that follows the operations of CTU agent Jack Bauer. 24 is the number of hours in a day. 24 is my birthday; to be exact, the 24th day of the month of March. And 24 is my age at the moment. Before I bid adieu to this age and before I begin my life at 25 which will soon commence (if God wills), I decided to give some pondering on what has transpired over the year I enjoyed being 24.

Last year, I had a birthday that commemorated the death of Jesus Christ and a feast of fish – bulad and bangus, and some veggies and benignit on the side. My only attendees were members of the family. I got no gifts but TONS of greetings – text messages mostly (I just wished each meant P1.00 added to my savings account) and an e-card from a friend in New York. I never really threw out birthday parties. The last one was when I turned twenty-two and second to the last was when I had my debut, and yes, at 18. Following this trend, I’ll have my next birthday bash when I turn 28.

Last year also meant new job, new friends and new challenges for me. On December 2004, 3 months before my birthday, I joined another company, a bigger one. Bigger in the sense that it employs more than 200 individuals, 70% are men, 30% are women. I was quite excited with this new environment – more men, which I assumed would mean, hopefully, more opportunities for getting hitched. A year has passed; I should have realized women tend to overanalyze situations. I am still single, still waiting for Mr, Right to pass by.

New friends. Oh yes. My colleagues in the Finance and Admin Department which comprise 5% of the total population of the company have added to my friends’ list. And I should say I get along with them very well for I reached one year working with them.

New challenges. By midyear, I became an officer in our Toastmasters club. Initially, I was appointed assistant to the VP-Ed. But the VP-PR position got vacant, so the original VP-Ed took it. Naturally, I ascended to the VP-Ed throne. I never realized this was the busiest position until I took my first assignment. I never realized it could be frustrating until members of the club started to get lazy on delivering speeches. Despite all of these, I am glad for the lessons it gave me. I’m indeed very fortunate to have been given this responsibility.

Two of my closest and very good friends and I went on our supposedly dream trip. It wasn’t really to a dream destination but I call it “dream” because when we were young we used to dream about taking faraway trips together. Really together. Never have we thought that our short vacation in Manila was already that dream realized.

I thought that would have completed my life at 24. But somehow the stars have been very kind they granted one impossible wish. My friends and colleagues always tease me about not having a boyfriend, and most of all, not having one since birth. Sometimes it does irritate me and sometimes it makes me desperate. Hopeless romantic, that’s what they call me. And they’d tease me too about never being kissed. Yes, I’ve never been kissed. So what? I retorted but deep inside me yearns to try that, too. Surprisingly, some guy gave me that. He wasn’t my boyfriend, not even some guy interested in me, not even a friend. It happened during a night out organized by my balikbayan friend. I got so drunk, got so wasted and practically threw myself over my friend’s guy friend who I just met that night. And the rest is history. It was just a kiss, mind you. Nothing more than that. So that’s how I got my first kiss. Unforgettable and unromantic. At least though, I got to try it before it might be too late.

One month more to go…I’m going to be 25. Who knows what the remaining days can offer me before I turn 25. But whatever is in store for me, I
am excited about it. I just can’t wait to be 25.

Saturday, March 25, 2006

25th March 2006

March 25, 2006. A memorable date in my life. It's actually a day after my birthday. And this day, I competed in the Toastmasters International Division C Speech Contest representing Area 21 for the International Category. Fortunately I won...I won third place! It's actually mixed feelings. I feel good and disappointed. Good that I won't be experiencing the same tension, nervousness one feels during contests. Disappointed because I didn't win when I have in fact given out my best and it was truly a remarkable performance (I think so! :D). Disappointed too that I have spent so much to prepare - money, time, effort, etc. and ended up not getting what I wanted. But like the message of my speech, life could sometimes be frustrating, unfair and ugly. Indeed, it is full of uncertainties. And amidst all these, I can only give out my trust. Trust in God, trust in His plans. Definitely, I will enjoy my life. ;)

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Dare Me


Are you ready for the world?!
Armed with a college diploma, an impressive TOR, guts, and dreams, I was ready for anything. Underneath my breath, I declared: Dare me!
Honestly, beneath my bold statement was a bundle of quivers, gulps and anxieties. Despite this uneasy feeling, I was determined to fulfill my dreams. Dare me!
In college, a man I deemed smart and rich, told me, “You’ve got to have a map for your life. You have to set some direction. Five years, ten years from now…what do you want to happen to your life? Write them down. Look at it from time to time. This will help you achieve your goals.” So I did exactly what he told me. I made this map – after I graduate, I’m going to review for the CPA Board Exams, take the exams, be a CPA. Work for an auditing firm. Stay there for five years. Get an MBA. Get out of that auditing firm and work for a multinational company in a top position. Drive my own car and have my own boyfriend. Maybe by 28, get married and have kids.
I took the board exams, passed it, worked for an auditing firm for two years, went out of that firm and I got myself employed in a Japanese-owned company in a below the top position. I take 10E or 10F and then 17D or 17B to work. And my boyfriend is this guy named “No one.” I actually missed 3 more years in audit, haven’t even started my MBA, and my job position isn’t even considered “top” and much doubt surrounds any rise to the top. I’m 24. Neither could I afford to buy a second-hand, the earliest model of any brand of car.
And I asked myself, am I losing direction in my life? Will I be successful in this chosen career? Will I be the person I dream to be? I didn’t hit the targets. I got lost in my own map. And I started wondering whether I chose the right career, whether I made the right decisions, whether I made the right map.
Back then when I made that map, I didn’t know life after university was going to be terrible, that you’ll bruise your heart and soul. I didn’t know then some dreams live and some die. I didn’t know life could sometimes be frustrating, unfair, and ugly. Sometimes I just wished I should not have grown up; I should have not left school. I should have just remained a child whose mind is problem-free, innocent to the cruelty and complexity of this world. Sometimes I wish I never had to decide so I never had to regret. I wish life is black and white, no gray areas. Everything goes as planned. But such is the mystery of life. You have everything in place. You’re right on track yet somewhere along the way, you find yourself headed to the wrong end, in a hopeless situation. The world seems to turn its back on you yet, in an instant, miraculously, you find a solution to every problem, order to your chaotic life, and enough strength to move on.
You’ve earned your PhD, traveled around the world, served in various organizations and yet still not feel an expert. You thought by education and experience, you’ll never give out answers of “I don’t know.” But somehow, you still find that life’s questions are too many and not too many have answers.
You wish you could have power of premonition so you could have the best preparation. You wish you’d know what’s at the end of each road, so you could take the right one. You wish you’d know how many more years to live, so you could make a time frame of everything you want to achieve and never have to say it’s too late.
But come to think of it too, if everything in life had to present itself clearly, would there be such words as excitement, anticipation, intriguing, interesting, and spontaneity? How plain and boring could our stories be! How few the life lessons we learn! How tiresome it is to listen to our speeches!
My life right now may have not turned out the way I wanted it. And maybe some dreams have not been realized now but perhaps later. I may not have found Mr. Right. Still, I believe he’s out there. Now may not just be the right time. Maybe I’ll never drive my own car. Maybe someone else will drive for me. I may have a lot of questions, some have quick answers, and others don’t. And many of them may never be answered at all. But I still love the mysterious things of this so-called life. My life has its own share of excitements, intrigues and spontaneity.
Mother Teresa told a brilliant man who was at a fork in his life and was asking for a prayer for clarity: “I’ve never had the clarity. What I’ve always had was trust. So I pray that you trust God.” Yes, trust is all we need. Trust God. Trust ourselves.
Ready for the world? Armed with trust, dare me!

Friday, February 17, 2006

Quarter-life Crisis

Got this one from the internet...For all those in their twenty's, read this. It will help!
Keep it real: Yes, the 20s may be an exciting time of your life. But they can also be extremely frustrating. Wilner suggests setting "realistic expectations." Be aware that there will be challenges. For instance, no matter how much your ego is pampered by high grades and flattering remarks from professors, no matter how "big" you are in school now, you might (and chances are you will) have to start out small and humble in the real world. "The reality of it is that most people are gonna make certain kinds of compromises as they go through their 20s," says Arnett. "They might have to accept less than the ideal. Most of the jobs available to people aren't wonderful jobs. They're a way to make a living."

Goals vs. Deadlines:It's always good to have goals because those will give you purpose. But Alexandra Robbins, co-author of "Quarterlife Crisis," explains that goals can be a disadvantage if they are confused with deadlines. "Don't put pressure on yourself to reach these goals before you're out of your twenties," she warns. Her follow-up book "Conquering the Quarterlife Crisis" is due for release late this year. It includes advice from twentysomethings who went through the crisis and survived.

Keep calm: However, even if you don't have a clear idea of what to do with your life before getting a taste of what's out there, there's no need to push the panic button and run to the nearest coffee shop to overdose on caffeine. Today's society puts a lot of pressure on twentysomethings to achieve something at a younger age. Don't let that bother you. There seems to be a mad rush to succeed. Remember that there is no race to be won, only mistakes to be suffered from hasty decisions.

Know yourself: Finally, take advantage of your time in college. After you graduate, you will realize that this is a luxury you will not always have in the real world. Learn as much about yourself as you can. Different experiences will help you discover things as simple as your likes and dislikes, and as profound as what you want out of life. Life is a huge roller coaster full of sharp turns, unexpected twists, and sudden drops. Hopefully, after you survive the first 25 years of your life without much damage to your psyche, you will be able to relax and enjoy the ride. Keep in mind that amid the threat of a quarterlife crisis is the hope that the 20s may still be a wonderful time in your life. And the wonderful thing about being young is that you have the power to make your dreams happen!

Saturday, January 14, 2006

A Kiss

January 13/14, 2006. I shall write this down...I shall take down the date...And I shall not forget it... my first kiss...Well, it wasn't amazing probably because I was soooo drunk and it was with someone I barely know. And what was it like? I never thought a kiss could be so darn WET. Hahaha! Finally, after waiting for 24 years..."never been kissed" no more!

Sunday, December 25, 2005

Pinoy Sentiments

I asked my brother, a Fine Arts student, “Would you like to go abroad someday? Would you like to work in the US perhaps after you graduate? He casually answered, Nah...I’m okay here in the Philippines…And then I asked my sister, a third year Nursing student, do you like to work abroad as a nurse? You know that nurses earn much abroad. And she replied, I don’t know. Maybe. Just don’t get your hopes too high, Ate, forget the dollars. It’s that not easy especially with all those tests… I’ll just probably stay here and be a community nurse. And I told both of them, I also answered that way when I was also a student like you. Perhaps, your mindset will change when you will able to work, earn your own money or when you will be raising a family. After two years of employment here, getting a salary every 15th (though I am not raising a family), and shouldering some household expenses, and with the continuous rise in the prices of goods, the deteriorating political condition, I finally gave it much thought to work abroad or migrate elsewhere, Australia, Canada, or US. Perhaps, perhaps someday, my dear brother and sister, you will feel the same way too. Fellow Toastmasters, guests and friends, good evening. Are you feeling the same way I’m feeling? Would you also like to tread the distant and unknown yet seemingly promising and prosperous lands? Yes? And when you finally bring that feeling to fruition, you will be adding to the escalating 7.76 million Filipinos overseas.

My dear Filipino brothers and sisters, I want to stay in as much as I can. Because the truth is, I don’t want to go out of the country... but I do want to go, too. I do want to go out– I want to shop till I drop in Singapore, be one of the firsts to visit Disneyland Hongkong, party with my friend in New York, create memories in Bali, find a lover in Paris…Yes, I want to visit the other parts of the world. But I don’t want to go out, too. I don’t want to leave my family, my friends, my PICPA-Toastmasters Club. I don’t want to earn dollars cleaning strangers’ butt when I can do “cleaning financial statements and tax returns”. I don’t want a job that’s way beneath my skills. But why am I contemplating of leaving the country? Why work abroad? Why live abroad? Why are Filipinos migrating in droves to Canada? Why do OFWs that are professionals opt to work as domestic helpers in Italy? Why are doctors becoming nurses? Why the growing number of Filipino women marrying foreigners?

Indeed, with an 11 percent unemployment rate, the rise of the value of the dollar against the peso, who wouldn’t be lured with working abroad or migrating? Lack of economic opportunity and a sense of being in a nation adrift are driving our kababayans abroad in search of their dreams -- and dollars, pounds and yen, according to sociologists and researchers.
The diaspora is growing. Each year, more than 800,000 people leave, some temporarily. And 2,700 Filipinos are departing daily for overseas work. And remarkably the scope is so diverse. According to experts, no other Asian country has so many types of workers -- from nanny to engineer to circus performer -- in so many different places, from Hong Kong to Italy, Chad to Kazakhstan.

I am not presently and actively seeking employment abroad or processing an immigrant application. Still a bigger part of my heart, my mind, and my soul wishes to stay with Inang Bayan. And I nonetheless have an enormous HOPE for the Philippines. I refuse to believe that we will forever be a Third World country. I believe that Filipinos have great minds and the ultimate solutions to our problems cannot be found in abandoning our country. And I am not forcing you to stay. And as one UP professor said “we cannot really equate working abroad with abandoning one’s obligation to the native land, especially if the purpose is to pursue higher knowledge and acquire new experiences and skills while getting better compensation. In fact, the OFWs are dubbed modern heroes because higit na may malasakit sila sa ating bayan kaysa sa mga dayuhang negosyante at bangkong global na nagpapautang sa atin. Ang mga OFW ang tumutulong na makalutang ang ating bansa para makabuntot man lang ito sa agos ng pag-angat ng Asya.

Even then, I still would want to challenge our government, to the elderly, to keep the fire of hope burning in young people like me, my brother and my sister, and in other Filipinos who have opted to stay, and offered their talents for the benefit our country. And for the Filipinos overseas, do not completely turn your back on the Philippines. Do your job well. Show them what a Filipino is truly made of and eventually give back what you owe the nation.
One day, in the future when I shall find myself in the land of the rising sun, in land down under, in the shopping capital of the world, or in the land of milk and honey, know that I shall return to my home, to where my heart is, in the Pearl of the Orient Seas.

And I would like to render you a song, a popular song that warmed my Filipino heart, hopefully yours too…If you know the song, I’m sure you do, sing with me please…

Pinoy Ako
Orange And Lemons

Lahat tayo mayroon pagkakaiba madalang makikita na
Ibat ibang kagustuhan ngunit iisang patutunguhan
Gabay at pagmamahal ang hanap ko
Pagbibigay ng halaga sa iyo
Nais mong ipakilala kung sino ka man talaga?

Chorus:
Pinoy ikaw pinoy
Ipakita sa mundoKung ano ang kaya mundo
Ibang-iba pinoy
Wag kang matatakot
Ipagmalaki mo pinoy ako
Pinoy tayo

Ipakita mo ang tunay at sino ka?
Mayroon masasama at maganda
Wala naman perpekto
Basta magpakatotoo oohh… oohh…
Gabay at pagmamahal ang hanap mo
Pagbibigay ng halaga sa iyo
Nais mong ipakilala kung sino ka man talaga?
(repeat chorus)

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Never Been Kissed


I'm 24 and I haven't had my first kiss, and yes of course, my first boyfriend. How's that? I know I'm not alone in the world. And I know that there are still others older than me that are also expriencing the same predicament. But really, it sometimes bothers me. Well, only at times when I'm not doing anything and a lot of thoughts get into my mind, and one of them is that. Huh! I don't know...I really don't care much (like saying it's such a weight on my shoulder) And I remember telling myself before, if I ain't getting married, I don't care just as long as I'm rich, and I can afford to travel around the world and most importantly I'm HAPPY. :-D

Sunday, July 03, 2005

Musings Aboard A PUJ


Ay, tuara, San Carlos…Para!!!

And this begins my journey…

I reside in Bulacao, Talisay City and work at a company located in I.T. Park, Apas, Cebu City. FYI, it’s not Apas, Lahug Cebu City. It’s simply Apas, Cebu City. Lahug and Apas are two different baranggays in Cebu City. If you want to how that came to be, I don’t know, but my point is to get to work I have to take at least two rides on a public utility jeepney a.k.a. PUJ. The first ride is on the way to Cebu City. I disembark at Sto. Rosario Church. Any jeepney with a San Carlos signboard will take me there. And then I take a connecting ride from Pelaez St. to Apas on board any Apas Roadlines – 17B or 17D. Sometimes it takes three rides especially that San Carlos bound PUJs are very rare in Bulacao thus I am compelled to take a tricycle ride to St. Paul where such PUJs abound. Now, with those rides, how long does it take to get to my workplace? Approximately an hour.

I travel alone. Ever since I transferred to another company, I have been taking this solitary travels to work more often. My father, the official chauffeur at home, used to take me to work but when I transferred to a new company which is farther than my previous one and when he learned that I can get in to work as late as 9AM, and after a few trips, he finally tendered his resignation. He complained that it was just too far and explained that there is no need for me to hurry to work since my time in is at 9. I couldn’t prevent him from resigning so I gave my reluctant OK, and added a litany of complaints - so this means that I’ll have to inhale as much carbon monoxide available in the atmosphere and endure the scorching heat of the sun or the hassles of torrential rains, risk my life with criminals boarding jeepneys…” But my tantrums mattered nothing to him. Do I have a choice? Yes, I do. I can take a cab. But that’s too costly for me, too much for my measly net pay. And this leaves me to one choice, taking the PUJ. (Gulp)

A solitary one hour ride…I thought it would be an excruciating experience but I was wrong. I realized that on these one hour rides I get to do a lot of thinking…a lot of thinking on just about anything.

One time, after receiving a heartbreaking news through text, I used that time to think about where I could have gone wrong. And I used that time to extract as much learning as I can from that experience and thank God for finally giving me peace of mind.

In other times too, these solitary rides allow me to contemplate on my life. At 24, at an age when so many questions and options confront you, and living in this fast paced world, wanting so much to do so much or else it might be too late, there’s so little time for reflective moments. So on these rides, I give myself a mental shake and ask these questions: Am I living my life to the fullest? What are my priorities? Am I pleasing God with my actions? What kind of life would I want to look back when I reach my golden years? These are the times I get to evaluate my decisions and assess my goals.

I get to dream of dreams that are farfetched and think of amazing ways to achieve them. I get to picture numerous future me’s – a wife to an adorable rich man, an eligible bachelorette running her own company, a single mom struggling to support herself and her daughter/son, a woman (unmarried or married) delivering her piece at an international speech contest and ultimately winning it.

Desires and wishes are also formed during these rides. Passing by UP so many times triggered my desire to take up a Master’s degree from that school. When the jeepney passes by castle-like Waterfront Hotel, I wish to meet Prince Charming very soon. And that Bernard Palanca look-a-like sitting across me makes me wish that it would be him. Haay… When that E-Telecare signage catches my eye, I feel like shifting careers. (Darn, these call center people earn lots of money!)
My dear friends, this is a testimony to the statement - there is always a time for everything. Wherever you are, whatever you are doing, use that time wisely. Even while you’re taking the shower, take that time to think, to plan, to reflect, to create your winning speech. Time is indeed gold.

NEC nya, Nong… Lugar lang…

Saturday, June 18, 2005

Will you be my friend?


You know, I am so much intrigued by your personality.
You're so different from the other guys I've met.
And for that short time we were together, I felt so much at ease with you. But I don't know if you are real...I just want us first to be friends...and let's see where and how time will lead us.
You're so full of surprises and... I like that

Sunday, May 01, 2005

If, then maybe

If I was just brave enough to tell you how I feel, maybe I wouldn't have lost you.
If I had listened to my heart than to my head, maybe I would have you here in my arms.
If I had risked my pride, maybe you would have the courage to tell me how you truly feel.
If I had told more people, especially those close to you, about this feeling, maybe it won't hurt this much.
If I didn't pretend, then maybe you would have noticed that I was hurting when you were flirting with someone else or maybe you would have seen the brilliance in my smile every time I see you.
If I hadn't held back my emotions, maybe you would have heard the beating of my heart when you were so close to me.
If I hadn't valued the friendship more than anything else, maybe I would have lost a friend and gained a lover and made an enemy.
If I had just allowed my feelings to take control of me, maybe I wouldn't suffer immensely but then someone else will be crying terribly in pain.
If I had just tried to keep in touch when I went away, maybe you wouldn't have played around.
If I just flirted a little bit, maybe you would have sensed that I liked you.
If I hadn't brought along a guy friend just to make you jealous, then maybe you wouldn't have given up.
If I had said yes to your semi-invitations for a date, maybe we would have the time to talk and made things clear between us.
If I had just tried to fight for my feelings, then maybe things were easier.
If I was just as gutsy as other women, maybe I would have known the truth earlier and pain won't linger for so long.
If I hadn't went away, maybe you wouldn't think I was trying to push you out of my life.
But things weren't getting any better. The longer I stayed, the longer I see you, the longer I feel your presence made me only suffer. A happy face I put on yet deep inside me was hurting badly. I was hurting and confused while you were cold and silent. And now that you have found someone new, someone who loved you back, someone who doesn't push you away, someone brave enough to tell you how she feels, I felt I haven't done enough.
I may only have regrets and memories, yet I still feel I have done the right thing - to go away, away from you.
I wish to see you again but not now. Let me get over you. And we shall meet again at the right time, at the time when wounds are already healed, at a time when I shall find my man too.

Friday, March 18, 2005

Regrets by Panyang

if tears were meant to flow
i'd rather let my pain grow
if songs were sung to heal
i'd rather be silent and still

if i were to turn back time
i'd rather dream of you and sigh
if i just said those words to you
i'd rather be feeling gay, not blue

if you are meant for somebody
i'd rather be your friend only
if i had known that you loved me
i'd rather accept than set you free

if i were to see you everyday
i'd rather be with you than stay away
if goodbye means now
i'd rather keep you in my heart somehow

if loving someone can help me get over you
i'd rather do it to help me move on too
if letting you go was best for me
i'd rather be lonely to make you happy

if things will be better this way
i'd rather wish you the best today
if there is no I in YOU
i'd rather wish you will love her the way i do

if one day we will meet again
i'd rather wait if i can
if one day i will be over you
i'd rather try though its hard to do

if today you will finally go
i'd rather let you than to stoop that low
if my heart can take the pain
i'd rather take it than go insane

if today is goodbye
i will just have to try to move on and let you hear me say
you were a big part of my everyday
thank you for making me who i am today

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

DEVELOP THE RIGHT (SELF) ATTITUDE

Here are 10 suggestions to help you develop and maintain a healthy
self-image. Read them slowly. Meditate on them regularly.

1. Hate your sin, but never hate yourself.

2. Be quick to repent.

3. When God gives you light, walk in it.

4. Stop saying negative things about yourself. God loves you and it's
wrong to hate what He loves. He has great plans for you, so you're in
conflict with Him when you speak negatively concerning your future.

5. Never be afraid to admit that you've made a mistake and don't always
assume that when things go wrong, it must be 'my fault'.

6. Don't meditate excessively on what you've done, right or wrong; both
of these activities keep your mind on you! Center your thoughts on
Christ.

7. Take good care of yourself physically. Make the best of what God gave
you to work with, but don't be obsessed with your appearance.

8. Never stop learning but don't allow your education to become a point
of pride. God doesn't use you because of what's in your head: He uses
you because of what's in your heart.

9. Realize that your talents are a gift, not something you have
manufactured yourself; never look down on people who can't do what you
do.

10. Don't despise your weaknesses they keep you dependent on God.

-- Author Unknown

Monday, February 07, 2005

Jesus, my lover, my ideal man...

I realized tonight that I have been so preoccupied with with Pome that I have failed to notice the one true man who loves me so much even if I wouldn't love him back.

I have always wanted a guy to serenade me with his guitar and I thought I had found him in Pome. I have fixed my mind and heart on Pome to the point of going crazy in love over him. And only to realize that he could never love me back. My heart broke for that. I found myself hurting, crying, and almost paranoid. I thought I had lost forever the right man. Yet tonight I realized I hadn't lost him at all...For tonight, I was serenaded by a man in guitar, my one man, my man who needed me and who fills my emptiness and heals my pain. He touched my heart and soul. And I'm truly grateful, truly blessed to have him in my life...my Jesus.

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

A FRIENDSHIP STORY

It all started in third year high school.

There were ten of us. It was a project for our English class. We decided on putting up a comical skit where we were all actors, and in some ways, directors. We were depicting a segment in the classroom life of a bunch of high school kids and then a reunion many years later where we see what had become of those kids when they grew up. It was one of the highlights of our high school life for that little skit we performed in the classroom was brought on stage. Our English teacher was so impressed that she decided on including it in the program during the English Festival. Wow! We became overnight celebrities. And so much hidden talents have been discovered. And so it made a difference in our lives. And so out of that little project, a precious thing was born, something that we carry with us wherever we go and whatever happens.

So there were ten of us. Ten high school girls in white long sleeve blouses and blue skirts.

There was Rosy. The ever so lovely and shapely Rosy. She was the childish one in the group. She loved to draw, color, cut and paint. Very artistic. She always had some “giveaways” which she herself made for her friends on special occasions - on Valentine’s day, Christmas, Graduation day. I still have some of her gifts displayed in my room or kept in my treasure box.

Then there’s tall and big-boned Grace. Ever so generous and hardworking Grace. She sold food stuff – biscuits, chocolates, chips, etc.

Another tall and big-boned friend was Honey. She was the “millionaire” in the group. Her father was a seaman and her mother, a nurse in the U.S. She could always afford to treat all of us. Honey is my oldest friend. We knew each other since we were four or five.

Then there’s the aggressive and outspoken Kay. She wrote for the school paper and ultimately became the editor in chief. She was really intelligent but a bit lazy, too.

And then there’s Dee. Talkative, sweet Dee. She has a very friendly aura and she’s the kind of person you can tell your darkest secrets. In fact, she’s my secret-keeper. She’s tomboyish on the outside but a real lady on the inside.

And there’s Dee’s best friend, Dj. She’s really very pretty and she had Brooke Shields’ thick eyebrows. She was a Math and computer whiz and was a romantic too. She loved reading romance novels – from teeny ones to thick historical romance novels. She and Kay shared so much passion on those novels. Oh well, so does Dee and Honey. They got me into it, too. The book lover in me couldn’t resist the books they read.

Another very romantic and very feminine friend was May. She loved pink so much. Her clothes and things all had a touch of pink. And she had a handsome brother, too.

Then there was Rochelle. Chubby Rochelle. Always wore a smile on her face. I’ve never seen her get mad. And I still wonder what would make her angry…hmmm…

Then there’s shy, silent and honest Tin-ann. She was the goddess of honesty. Never ever really cheated on exams. If you sit next to her, you better study, she won’t let you take a peak on her paper.

And then there was me. There was Mhahe. I wore glasses then and still do...What about me? Hmm… I topped in that class.

We went on to our fourth year in high school and got into different sections yet we still managed to group together. We graduated, got into college, took up different courses, got into different schools, made new friends and formed other barkadas…

So what happened to us now?

Childish Rosy is now a high school teacher in Math. She‘s still the same thoughtful and artistic Rosy I knew back then. Lately, she gave me a bookmark she herself made.

Big-boned and tall Grace graduated magna cum laude in Political Science and she is now teaching at a university here in Cebu. My sister is her student. The last time we talked, she told me she really loved what she’s doing. I’m so happy that she has found her passion.

The millionaire Honey is still the millionaire. She’s a licensed occupational therapist. She’s in the U.S. now. We still do communicate through texts and emails.

The writer Kay is an activitist. Currently, she is with Gabriella. I heard from Dee that Kay is planning to take up law.

Dee is still in school, in her last year in Computer Eng’g, I hope. But she’s also working at the same time in a call center.

Brooke Shields’ eyebrowed Dj is very much busy with her career and love life. She is an internal auditor at a five-star hotel. Still single but unavailable.

The “pinkish” May is in the U.S. She migrated about 3 years ago. I haven’t heard much from her, though.

Rochelle, the chubby one, is now a registered nurse and works at one of the private hospitals here in Cebu. We saw each other sometime in December last year, and as always she’s still the same smiling Rochelle I know back in high school.

The goddess of honesty Tin-ann works at a pharmaceuticals company and at the same time is so much focused on her business. She has already shed off her shyness. And I’m glad she has improved so much as she claims and of course, I’m a witness to that improvement too. We still do get in touch from time to time since I am one of her customers.

And then Mhahe became a CPA, got a job and is a proud “kapamilya”, “kapuso” of Toastmasters.

That little skit made a difference in our life and became our life too. We’ve had our “classroom life” and we’ve had our reunion also, not grand though. It was a get-together organized by Honey the Millionaire in celebration of her passing and topping the OT board exams sometime in 2003. Unfortunately, not all ten girls were present. But the majority was there. We shared what became of our lives and yes, that little skit was squeezed in our discussion.

And I said a precious thing was born from that little skit. It was a precious thing named FRIENDSHIP. And it’s this friendship that we carry with us in our journey.

We’ve all taken different paths in our life, but no matter where go, we’ve taken a little of each other everywhere. (Tim McGraw)

And this is my friendship story.

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

If I'm Not In Love with You

He likes this song...i think. He mentioned this song to me once. I don't know why... But you know, the assuming girl I am, I thought there was something to it... =) Anyway, here's the song. I love this one, too.

If I'm not in love with you
What is this I'm going through, tonight
And if this heart is lying then
What should I believe in
Why do I go crazy
Everytime I think about you baby
Why else do I want you like I do
If I'm not in love with you, with you

And if I don't need your touch
Why do I miss you so much, tonight
If it's just infatuation
Why is my heart aching
To hold you forever
To hold you forever
Give a part of me I thought I'd never
Give again to someone I could lose
If I'm not in love with you

Oh why in every fantasy
Do I feel your arms embracing me
Like lovers lost in sweet desire
someone take...
And why in dreams do I surrender
Like a little baby
How do I explain this feeling
Someone tell me

If I'm not in love with you What is this I'm going through.. tonight
And if this heart is lying then and if this heart is lying then..
What should I believe in oohh..
Why do I go crazy
why do i go crazy

Every time I think about you baby Why else do I want you like I do..
if im not in love ahhh..
if im not in love
if im not in love with..
if im not in love with you..


Angels Brought Me Here by Guy Sebastian

[Verse 1]
It's been a long and winding journey, but i'm finally here tonight
Picking up the pieces, and walking back into the light
Into the sunset of your glory, where my heart and future lies
There's nothing like that feeling, when i look into your eyes...

[Bridge]
My dreams came true, when i found you
I found you, my miracle...

[Chorus]
If you could see, what i see, that you're the answer to my prayers
And if you could feel, the tenderness i feel
You would know, it would be clear, that angels brought me here...

[Verse 2]
Standing here before you, feels like i've been born again
Every breath is your love, every heartbeat speaks your name...

[Bridge 2]
My dreams came true, right here in front of you
My miracle...

[Chorus]
If you could see, what i see, you're the answer to my prayers
And if you could feel, the tenderness i feel
You would know, it would be clear, that angels brought me here...

[Bridge 3]
Brought me here to be with you,I'll be forever grateful (oh forever Faithful)
My dreams came true
When I found you
My miracle...

[Chorus]
If you could see, what i see, you're the answer to my prayers
And if you could feel, the tenderness i feel
You would know, it would be clear, that angels brought me here...
Yes they brought me here...
If you could feel, the tenderness i feel...
You would know, it would be clear, that angels brought me here...


Friday, December 10, 2004

MHaHe

“The best way to begin your speaking experience is to talk about a familiar subject – yourself.” goes Project 1 – The Ice Breaker on our Toastmaster’s manual. Whoa! Myself? Of course, who knows me better but me. However, formulating a speech about me seemed very difficult. “Of course, this subject is too broad for a short four-to six-minute presentation. You must narrow it by selecting three or four interesting aspects of your life that will give your fellow club members insight and understanding of you as an individual.”, the manual says further. Now, I have to decide which aspect of my life I should disclose. Is it my spiritual life? My social life? Or the more interesting, love life, which according to my colleague Weng, is missing in my life but something I beg to disagree. Well, anyway, I finally decided on telling you about how I come to be what I am now - ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the bold and daring Mhahe.

At job interviews, when asked to describe myself, I would always say I am typically shy, reserved, silent (every synonym of shy, believe me, I have used it to describe myself). And surprisingly, the interviewer would say, I don’t see that now.

Throughout my elementary and high school life, my teachers would always have this observation that I was shy and quiet and that I need to participate more in class since I have the potential and I am also intelligent.

Just last July, I had a get-together with my former colleagues and my former boss when I was a working scholar in USC. We were sharing about our individual lives and my boss informed me that if I needed a new job I should approach him. He inquired about the salary rate I wanted. I said, at least P15,000 monthly starting salary would be a good number. And he added, “I sure hope you’re not anymore the timid and super silent Mhahe I knew back then. By now, you should be able to speak up and express your thoughts clearly.” Of course I said, “Oh yes, I’m not anymore super silent and withdrawn.” I said this with a mixture of confidence and reluctance.

I just read an article in Readers’ Digest that discussed chronic shyness in children. It stated that studies show shy children score lower marks at school and miss out on extracurricular activities. And I thought if that is true I surely am not shy. When I was in school, I got high marks, enough to help me graduate with honors (except in college). I was involved in extracurricular activities too. I was part of the student council during some years in primary and secondary school. Nonetheless, I’d still say I was a member of the silent committee during those years. In college, as a working scholar, I was involved in a number of activities. I wrote for the newsletter. I got the opportunity to organize an Internet training for teachers. Oh yes, I got my hands full of self-development activities. But during meetings, my mouth usually remained shut all throughout and if asked I would just utter a yes or no or simply nod my head or shake it.

Ironic isn’t it? I reaped high marks, joined extracurricular activities yet I hardly spoke during meetings, was labeled withdrawn and silent.

As I have come to know myself better and as my self-analysis reveals, I am actually not shy, bashful, timid, aloof, etc. I just lacked some confidence. I had a very low self-esteem. More aptly, I didn’t believe in myself. All throughout my life, people around me believe so much in me yet I couldn’t. I didn’t want to say what was on my mind thinking that people would reject my ideas and I’d get humiliated. I didn’t want to be the center of attention since I’ll also be also the center of destruction. I didn’t want to lead since I know there are others better than me.

My first audit season in my first job spelled hopelessness, inadequacy, insecurities, failures. I was the worst. I couldn’t meet deadlines. There were always lacking procedures. I couldn’t defend my work. I couldn’t deliver. I was an “unwanted” staff. Since I already owned a very low self-esteem, my failures only made me feel worse. Instead of looking at them as challenges, or as areas to improve, I looked them as enemies ready to destroy me. I had the hardest, the most depressing state in my life. Waking up every morning was a burden. I wanted to disappear. Fear preceded me. Failure finished the race first before I even got to the starting line. I tell you, I tried so hard to improve. I tried so hard to do my job well. Yet it seemed all efforts failed. Drained and exhausted was I.

I got out of that pit eventually. Eventually I got my sense of self-worth back. I learned to think positive thoughts. I learned to believe in me. I learned a lot and it may take more than six minutes to tell you all about it. Most importantly, I learned to trust Him, that great guy up there, or shall I say, this great guy beside me. I learned to draw out my strength from Him.

I still do get bits of bouts of inadequacy, inferiority and worthlessness. But, you know, I can deal with them much better. Well, it’s a lifetime process but a little faith will do wonders.

As I continue to tread on life’s road, I worry no more. I’m bold about the trials and tribulations life brings. I’m brave enough to take on the challenges. Dare me.

Tears...

I saw you today....

I couldn't help it. Tears rolled down my eyes. I don't why. But seeing you from a distant made my heart ached.

I couldn't face you so I didn't sit at my usual spot. I tried avoiding you. I want to let you go. I'm doing everything I can so that this feeling would go away. Texts, phone calls, or a visit at the office...I'm avoiding all these...I don't want to feed this feeling coz I know it isn't right.

God knows how everything will turn out. I trust Him.



Sunday, December 05, 2004

Away from You

I never really thought I'd go very crazy over you. I never thought my heart would eventually win. I never thought I'd feel this way. But all these happened.

It takes so long to get you out of my mind. And I know it may take even longer to take you away from my heart. With a new office, a new working environment, a different job, I know there'll be forgetting. Tomorrow, I shall know how it will be.

I have to let you go. I have to free myself from you. I know you are happy with her. And I have to be happy, too.

I'll always treasure our friendship. I'm glad you came into my life. Now my story is as great as I have imagined it to be.

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

Hurt

It hurts to know that you have found love in such short a time. It hurts to know that you have just been playing with my feelings. It hurts to know that I have waited in vain. It hurts to have not told you. But I know it hurts a lot to be rejected so I just have all these to myself. It hurts to know that this love of mine is unrequited. It hurts to know you have found your true love much sooner than me. It hurts so much to know that you aren't mine.

Good luck to your love life. I hope it does have a happy ending.


Thursday, October 14, 2004

It's time to let go...

I guess this is it. I guess this is the answer to my question. And I'm still the victim. I'm the unfortunate woman. I should have let you go when you told me our love story doesn't have a happy ending. I should have realized that you meant every word of it. I guess I made a fool of myself. But this time,. I'll make it true. I 'll make it firm. I have to let you go. I'll put off every flicker of hope. You're just not the one. ..Painful, but thank you anyway.

It's time to say goodbye. It's a lot better to let go of the feelings no matter how hurting it is than go on fighting when it's only me doing it...good bye!

Sunday, October 10, 2004

Have you finally found her?

It seems like you are getting along well. I do hope both of you had found each other. I do hope you are happy with her. I do hope you have finally found love and found someone to share it with. As a friend, I always wish the best for you even if it would hurt me. Well, what can I say, I am just one unlucky girl. And as usual, you aren't still the one. I am just thankful for everything I went through. I am certainly grateful that for a while you made me feel so good about me. You made me feel that out there in the vast and complicated world, there is someone like me, someone who shares the same interests, thoughts and dreams. I've experienced how it is to be in love and experienced the pain, hurt, excitement of it all. Though we never went really far and never got to say what we truly feel, I'm just happy of it all. I just hope one day, someday, we could talk, as mature individuals, of what really happened between us and if what we had was real. Or what you truly feel for me. And I hope things would never be too late. And despite the pain you have given me, though you may not know it, I still would want us to be friends, yes, very very good friends. Bear in my mind that no matter what happens, I will always be here for you. Good luck with this new path you're treading. I wish you all the best with her. =)

I Finally Told Her

At last, I was able to tell her. At last, my pretensions are over. Well, with her, of course. Funny it all seems how we have fallen for the same guy. Funny how we were smitten by his charms. Haha...We could just laugh about everything!

I have indeed found a real friend in her. I wish this would be a start to finding answers to my questions. No matter how hurting it would be...No matter how painful the answers are. No matter how surprising they are, I just want the answers. Maybe I'd have to wait. I will. As long as I'll find them. While I wait, I'll enjoy myself. Enjoy my life. Time, as always, still holds the key to everything.

My dear friend, I am so blessed to have you, so blessed that we are in this together. I pray you will be able to find Mr. Right. I pray that God will lead you to the right man. The waiting may seem long but it's always worth the wait.

Friday, September 10, 2004

Oh well...

It seems like you're ending whatever we have...it seems like I have indeed waited in vain. Oh well, if that is how you want things to be, there's nothing much I can do. I have tried to get my message across and I wouldn't say you didn't get it. Oh well, I have done my part and I know you're telling me that I can't get what I want. Oh well, I have to move on. Maybe, the right guy isn't just you and maybe he's just around the corner. I have just been blinded by you. I'm so sorry to bother you. And I won't ever bother you again. But thank you anyway, you have made my life colorful; so later on in my life there's something to look back and smile and there's a story I can tell. It's hard, you know, you just made me very confused. You have given me joy yet you have caused so much pain and grief. I have to let you go in the same way that you have also let me go. I thought you have come back...I was wrong...oh well, I was right! You just came back not the way I want it to be. And all along, you were just one of them - they came, gave me happiness, and then just walked away, without saying a word...oh well, this is life. It's full of surprises; like a box of chocolates you'll never know what you'll get....oh well...

Tuesday, August 03, 2004

Waiting in Vain

It seems like you want me to wait. If that is how you want it to be, go ahead. It's your call not mine. It just so happens I'm a girl. I can't force you. I can't make decisions for you. You know, if I have to wait, that's not really a problem. I am willing to wait. But then you haven't really said anything. Your eyes tell me something but I can't be sure. Your actions do tell me something yet I can't be sure. Your words sometimes say something but I can' still trust them. Though I sense some sincerity, I still can't be sure. I'm a woman, a woman in love. And a friend shared to me this wonderful thought - A woman in love can build a palace of happiness from a few fragments of hope. I don't want to find hope in your words, actions and your looks. I might only be deceived. While this is how you want it to be, I just hope the waiting is all worth it. You said you'd like to let things grow on you for them to stay. If this is how you want it, I'd be willing to let them grow and I hope we do get to let those things grow - love, courage and hope.

I wish, I hope... I won't be waiting in vain for your love.

Friday, July 23, 2004

Jealous

I don't know why...I'm beginning to feel the most dreaded thing - jealousy, when there is nothing to be jealous about. I don't know why I don't want to see both of you so happy and then here I am in the corner watching you. It seems like you own the whole world...

I don't care what you do. It's none of my business.  I don't own you...and I don't have any right to your heart. For the meantime, I'm closing my heart to you.  I hate it when I feel this way...I can't think well and much more I can't work well.

I'll stop this stupid notion that you ever like me...How foolish of me to think that someone like you would ever be interested in someone like me. I wish I won't be there when you'll finally meet the girl of your dreams. I don't want to be there to face you. The pain...it's something I cannot bear.

Wednesday, July 07, 2004

Moving on...

sometimes one has to move on. leaving behind so many questions unanswered. one has to leave them just as they are and not confront the problem. one has to move away so things will be better. it does hurt but it would hurt more if one has to dig deeper into the issue. sometimes silence is the best solution. although silence complicates things and deeply hurts people , it is the better solution. it doesn't matter if only one gets hurt as long as the people you love won't get hurt. the only consolation would be that time will heal the wounds and time knows how things will end up. eventually everything will be at its right place.

Friday, June 18, 2004

HUH!

They're sending me away again. I don't know what to expect. It seems like history is repeating itself but it's so soon. I'm going away again. You have another chance. You have another test. I'm a bit reluctant of going away. But somehow I wanna go too. I wanna know if you truly have feelings for her. Because it seems that when I am around, you are hesitant to show your true feelings. I don't know if you just don't want me to get hurt. This is indeed another test. You just don't know that I held on. You just don't know that when I was away, there was never a day I did not think of you. No one else comes close to you. You are so special. I wish I could just tell you...but then I fear the rejection...why can't you just say it? why can't you just tell me? I won't say a thing unless you tell me...it pains but it pains more when you're rejected.

Monday, June 14, 2004

I don't know...

I don't know what to expect...but i don't want to expect. I don't want to let my feelings take control of me...It seems you have taken a back seat. I don't know your plans. I don't know what's in your mind, what's in your heart. And for the time being...for this moment, i'd like to enjoy myself. I don't want to occupy myself thinking, asking, guessing what we have...if it's friendship, i'm very happy for it. i'm not expecting more than this. i'm happy with the way things are. whatever your heart seeks, i just hope it gets it. i've prepared myself for the worst. i'm happy you came into my life. i'm so blessed all these things happened. i'm so darn lucky to have felt this way. thank you! and i wish you well for everything you want to achieve.

Wednesday, June 02, 2004

i don't know why this feeling has become more intense...it seems to me that we both know how we feel...yet i still feel reserved of it all. i'm afraid really of expecting too much. what if you will fade away? what if suddenly you tell me the feeling is gone? i can't feel secure until i hear the words...until you tell me what's in your heart...i wish i too could tell you what's in my heart, but i just can't...not now...but soon...

COULD BE WRONG
by MYMP

If I could hold your hand
Look into your eyes
Would you try to understand
The things I'm gonna say


If I could show you, boy
How much I feel for you
Would you turn around and tell me
You feel the same way too


CHORUS
Could be wrong you know
Comin' out the blue
I really have to say this
Baby, I love you


If I could get it right
And tell you face to face
Would you think that I am true
Believe me when I say


I wanna let you know
I just don't know the way
I wanna shout it out
Hear me when I say


These blues will always hang around
Until the moment I let it go
And let you know
Baby, I love you

I wanna let you know
Baby, I love you
This you ought to know

Sunday, May 23, 2004

I feel so happy when i'm with you. I think of you most of the time. I feel so confident. I feel so loved. But you know, i'm afraid...afraid that i'm just expecting too much and in the end, everything will shatter. I fear hurt, the pain that would come later. I don't know...everything has become so complicated. I really don't want to expect much. There's just so much pain when things don't go the way you want them to be. I'm afraid to fall. What if you just let me, and you won't catch me. I just want you to hold on 'coz i'm holding on. If things are meant to be,somehow, somewhere, they will be. They will happen as they should happen. For you, i will hold on. I hope you'll do the same for me, too.


FOR YOU

INTRO


For you I give a lifetime of stability
Anything you want of me
And nothin' is impossible
For you there are no words or ways to show my love
Or all the thoughts I'm thinking of
'Cause this life is no good alone
Since we've become one, I've made a change
Everything I do now makes sense
All roads end
All I do is for you


For you I share the cup of love that overflows
And anyone who knows us knows
That I would change all faults I have
For you there is no low or high or in between
Of my heart you haven't seen
'Cause I share all I have and am
Nothing I've said's hard to understand
And all I feel, I feel deeper still
And always will
All this love is for you


REFRAIN
Every note that I play
Every word I might say
And every melody I feel
Are only for you and your appeal

Every page that I write
Everyday of my life
Would not be filled without the things
That my love for you now brings


For you I'd make a promise of fidelity
Now and for eternity
And no one could replace this vow
For you I'd take your hand and heart and everything
And add to them a wedding ring
'Cause this life is no good alone
Since we've become one, you're all I know
And if this feeling should leave, I'd die
And here's why
All I am is for you


CODA
Everything I do now makes sense
All roads end
All I do is for you

Saturday, May 08, 2004

i don't know why i still feel so strongly for you...after everything that had happened...why do i still think about you? why do i feel that i mean something to you? i'm happy being with you...really...and you will always be someone special to me... :)

Sunday, April 18, 2004

darn! i should have realized it long before...he does not have any feelings for me. i'm just a friend. and all along, those moves, those words, they meant nothing to him. i'm so stupid. This is the second time and surely this means something. It means it's time, time for me to wake up and stop dreaming. I gues it was just right and meant to be that i went away and she and him stayed here coz at those times, there were no disturbances, no eyes and ears to watch and hear them. I guess their feelings were unleashed, and i guess that time was just right. i should have known all along that those songs he sang weren't meant for me but for her. now, i know why he wouldn't carry my things for me, now i know why he wouldn't accompany me. how stupid of me! how desperate have i gotten! i do not deserve a guy like him, who'd just play with my feelings...he doesn't deserve my feelings...i should have known that he had thrown it away the very first time i gave it to him... =(


OUT OF REACH
by Gabrielle

Knew the signs
Wasn't right
I was stupid for a while
Swept away by you
And now I feel like a fool
So confused,
My heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you?

Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach,
Couldn't see
We were never
Meant to be

Catch myself
From despair
I could drown
If I stay here
Keeping busy everyday
I know I will be OK

But I was
So confused,
My heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you?

Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach,
Couldn't see
We were never
Meant to be

So much hurt,
So much pain
Takes a while
To regain
What is lost inside
And I hope that in time,
You'll be out of my mind
And I'll be over you

But now I'm
So confused,
My heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you?

Out of reach,
So far
I never had your heart
Out of reach,
Couldn't see
We were never
Meant to be

Out of reach,
So far
You never gave your heart
In my reach, I can see
There's a life out there
For me

Saturday, March 06, 2004

yes, i do like u so much! but i just can't let it show, i just can't let you know. i don't want to get hurt. i don't want to give everything to you coz i just can't take it if you won't take me. i'm guilty, yes, but i won't let you know. i'd been fooled and i don't want that to happen again.

GUILTY
Blue

VS 1 - (DUNCAN)

I never want to play the games that people play
I never want to hear the things they gotta say
I've found everything I need
I never wanted anymore than I can see
I only want you to believe

CHORUS - (LEE)
If it's wrong to tell the truth
Then what am I supposed to do
When all I want to do is speak my mind (speak my mind) - [ALL]
If it's wrong to do what's right
I'm prepared to testify
If loving you with all my heart's a crime - [ALL]

Then I'm guilty

VS2 - (SIMON)
I wanna give you all the things you never had
Don't try to tell me how he treats you isn't bad
I need you back in my life
I never wanted just to be the other guy (be the other guy - LEE)
I never wanted to live a lie

CHORUS - (LEE)
If it's wrong to tell the truth
What am I supposed to do
All I want to do is speak my mind (speak my mind) - ALL
If it's wrong to do what's right
I'm prepared to testify
If loving you with all my heart's a crime - ALL
Then I'm guilty

BRIDGE - (ANTONY)
Girl I followed my heart
Followed the truth
Right from the start it led me to you
Please don't leave me this way
I'm guilty now all I have to say

CHORUS - (LEE)
If it's wrong to tell the truth
Then what am I supposed to do
When all I want to do is speak my mind (speak my mind) - ALL
If it's wrong to do what's right
I'm prepared to testify
If loving you with all my hearts a crime - ALL
Then I'm guilty

OUTRO
What am I supposed to do (Duncan)
Then I'm guilty (Lee)
All I wanna do is speak my mind (All)
Gulity (Lee)
Then I'm guilty (Lee)
I'm prepared to testify (Duncan)
If it's wrong to do what's right then tell me about this feeling inside (Lee)
If loving you with all my hearts a crime (All)
I'm Guilty (Duncan)



Saturday, February 28, 2004

i might as well enjoy this friendship we have and not expect much from you. and like what our friend believes, cherish every person that comes along your way, i will cherish you. now i realize what this truly means. i'll cherish this friendship and whatever happens along the way, i'll always be your friend. i'm not expecting much from you but that i can assure you i'll give everything i can for you, all for the sake of our friendship... =)

Friday, February 13, 2004

huh! it's really tiring...all these guessing games...i'd really like not to like you so much coz they say that the guys you'll end up with will be those u really don't like. and i'm afraid of really losing you. this is really the first time i have liked a guy this much and as they say this is just the beginning and that i'm really bound to lose you or get hurt. i don't want to like you so much. i know you really like her. i can sense that you are trying to get yourself near her and distancing yourself from me. if you truly like her, there's nothing i can do. i cannot teach your heart. i don't want to think about you anymore...i'd just would like to laugh on all these things...this is just the start...i know i can't have you...you deserve her, not me,some fat ugly woman... this is sad, but if it is the truth, i have to accept it. it hurts, really, but this is just all about it.

Friday, February 06, 2004

i still think of you most of the time...and when you come near me, how i wish i could hold your hand or give you one huge hug. i don't know how long i will continue this illusion. i know the chances are slim, yet i still hope that someday you'll know, someday i'll be able to tell you and yes, someday you'll feel the same way for me, too. this is really hard, you know, always guessing (and hoping) what's in your heart. is it me or is it someone else? i haven't really told anyone you know about these very special feelings of mine. i'm afraid that this would strain our friendship. and if you should notice, i haven't really shown my feelings for you, even a bit, or if i had, it must have been so little to notice. i really don't want to assume coz i know how much it hurts to dream for things that will never ever be yours. i don't want to go so far and then find that i just have to throw this love away.

2022: Surviving

Hello! I didn’t post anything in 2021. Ok, I got so busy with life.  I’m still here. I’m still alive.  I had another baby in 2021, a girl. A...