If, then maybe

If I was just brave enough to tell you how I feel, maybe I wouldn't have lost you.
If I had listened to my heart than to my head, maybe I would have you here in my arms.
If I had risked my pride, maybe you would have the courage to tell me how you truly feel.
If I had told more people, especially those close to you, about this feeling, maybe it won't hurt this much.
If I didn't pretend, then maybe you would have noticed that I was hurting when you were flirting with someone else or maybe you would have seen the brilliance in my smile every time I see you.
If I hadn't held back my emotions, maybe you would have heard the beating of my heart when you were so close to me.
If I hadn't valued the friendship more than anything else, maybe I would have lost a friend and gained a lover and made an enemy.
If I had just allowed my feelings to take control of me, maybe I wouldn't suffer immensely but then someone else will be crying terribly in pain.
If I had just tried to keep in touch when I went away, maybe you wouldn't have played around.
If I just flirted a little bit, maybe you would have sensed that I liked you.
If I hadn't brought along a guy friend just to make you jealous, then maybe you wouldn't have given up.
If I had said yes to your semi-invitations for a date, maybe we would have the time to talk and made things clear between us.
If I had just tried to fight for my feelings, then maybe things were easier.
If I was just as gutsy as other women, maybe I would have known the truth earlier and pain won't linger for so long.
If I hadn't went away, maybe you wouldn't think I was trying to push you out of my life.
But things weren't getting any better. The longer I stayed, the longer I see you, the longer I feel your presence made me only suffer. A happy face I put on yet deep inside me was hurting badly. I was hurting and confused while you were cold and silent. And now that you have found someone new, someone who loved you back, someone who doesn't push you away, someone brave enough to tell you how she feels, I felt I haven't done enough.
I may only have regrets and memories, yet I still feel I have done the right thing - to go away, away from you.
I wish to see you again but not now. Let me get over you. And we shall meet again at the right time, at the time when wounds are already healed, at a time when I shall find my man too.