A Kiss

January 13/14, 2006. I shall write this down...I shall take down the date...And I shall not forget it... my first kiss...Well, it wasn't amazing probably because I was soooo drunk and it was with someone I barely know. And what was it like? I never thought a kiss could be so darn WET. Hahaha! Finally, after waiting for 24 years..."never been kissed" no more!

Pinoy Sentiments

I asked my brother, a Fine Arts student, “Would you like to go abroad someday? Would you like to work in the US perhaps after you graduate? He casually answered, Nah...I’m okay here in the Philippines…And then I asked my sister, a third year Nursing student, do you like to work abroad as a nurse? You know that nurses earn much abroad. And she replied, I don’t know. Maybe. Just don’t get your hopes too high, Ate, forget the dollars. It’s that not easy especially with all those tests… I’ll just probably stay here and be a community nurse. And I told both of them, I also answered that way when I was also a student like you. Perhaps, your mindset will change when you will able to work, earn your own money or when you will be raising a family. After two years of employment here, getting a salary every 15th (though I am not raising a family), and shouldering some household expenses, and with the continuous rise in the prices of goods, the deteriorating political condition, I finally gave it much thought to work abroad or migrate elsewhere, Australia, Canada, or US. Perhaps, perhaps someday, my dear brother and sister, you will feel the same way too. Fellow Toastmasters, guests and friends, good evening. Are you feeling the same way I’m feeling? Would you also like to tread the distant and unknown yet seemingly promising and prosperous lands? Yes? And when you finally bring that feeling to fruition, you will be adding to the escalating 7.76 million Filipinos overseas.

My dear Filipino brothers and sisters, I want to stay in as much as I can. Because the truth is, I don’t want to go out of the country... but I do want to go, too. I do want to go out– I want to shop till I drop in Singapore, be one of the firsts to visit Disneyland Hongkong, party with my friend in New York, create memories in Bali, find a lover in Paris…Yes, I want to visit the other parts of the world. But I don’t want to go out, too. I don’t want to leave my family, my friends, my PICPA-Toastmasters Club. I don’t want to earn dollars cleaning strangers’ butt when I can do “cleaning financial statements and tax returns”. I don’t want a job that’s way beneath my skills. But why am I contemplating of leaving the country? Why work abroad? Why live abroad? Why are Filipinos migrating in droves to Canada? Why do OFWs that are professionals opt to work as domestic helpers in Italy? Why are doctors becoming nurses? Why the growing number of Filipino women marrying foreigners?

Indeed, with an 11 percent unemployment rate, the rise of the value of the dollar against the peso, who wouldn’t be lured with working abroad or migrating? Lack of economic opportunity and a sense of being in a nation adrift are driving our kababayans abroad in search of their dreams -- and dollars, pounds and yen, according to sociologists and researchers.
The diaspora is growing. Each year, more than 800,000 people leave, some temporarily. And 2,700 Filipinos are departing daily for overseas work. And remarkably the scope is so diverse. According to experts, no other Asian country has so many types of workers -- from nanny to engineer to circus performer -- in so many different places, from Hong Kong to Italy, Chad to Kazakhstan.

I am not presently and actively seeking employment abroad or processing an immigrant application. Still a bigger part of my heart, my mind, and my soul wishes to stay with Inang Bayan. And I nonetheless have an enormous HOPE for the Philippines. I refuse to believe that we will forever be a Third World country. I believe that Filipinos have great minds and the ultimate solutions to our problems cannot be found in abandoning our country. And I am not forcing you to stay. And as one UP professor said “we cannot really equate working abroad with abandoning one’s obligation to the native land, especially if the purpose is to pursue higher knowledge and acquire new experiences and skills while getting better compensation. In fact, the OFWs are dubbed modern heroes because higit na may malasakit sila sa ating bayan kaysa sa mga dayuhang negosyante at bangkong global na nagpapautang sa atin. Ang mga OFW ang tumutulong na makalutang ang ating bansa para makabuntot man lang ito sa agos ng pag-angat ng Asya.

Even then, I still would want to challenge our government, to the elderly, to keep the fire of hope burning in young people like me, my brother and my sister, and in other Filipinos who have opted to stay, and offered their talents for the benefit our country. And for the Filipinos overseas, do not completely turn your back on the Philippines. Do your job well. Show them what a Filipino is truly made of and eventually give back what you owe the nation.
One day, in the future when I shall find myself in the land of the rising sun, in land down under, in the shopping capital of the world, or in the land of milk and honey, know that I shall return to my home, to where my heart is, in the Pearl of the Orient Seas.

And I would like to render you a song, a popular song that warmed my Filipino heart, hopefully yours too…If you know the song, I’m sure you do, sing with me please…

Pinoy Ako
Orange And Lemons

Lahat tayo mayroon pagkakaiba madalang makikita na
Ibat ibang kagustuhan ngunit iisang patutunguhan
Gabay at pagmamahal ang hanap ko
Pagbibigay ng halaga sa iyo
Nais mong ipakilala kung sino ka man talaga?

Chorus:
Pinoy ikaw pinoy
Ipakita sa mundoKung ano ang kaya mundo
Ibang-iba pinoy
Wag kang matatakot
Ipagmalaki mo pinoy ako
Pinoy tayo

Ipakita mo ang tunay at sino ka?
Mayroon masasama at maganda
Wala naman perpekto
Basta magpakatotoo oohh… oohh…
Gabay at pagmamahal ang hanap mo
Pagbibigay ng halaga sa iyo
Nais mong ipakilala kung sino ka man talaga?
(repeat chorus)

Never Been Kissed

I'm 24 and I haven't had my first kiss, and yes of course, my first boyfriend. How's that? I know I'm not alone in the world. And I know that there are still others older than me that are also expriencing the same predicament. But really, it sometimes bothers me. Well, only at times when I'm not doing anything and a lot of thoughts get into my mind, and one of them is that. Huh! I don't know...I really don't care much (like saying it's such a weight on my shoulder) And I remember telling myself before, if I ain't getting married, I don't care just as long as I'm rich, and I can afford to travel around the world and most importantly I'm HAPPY. :-D

Musings Aboard A PUJ

Ay, tuara, San Carlos…Para!!!

And this begins my journey…

I reside in Bulacao, Talisay City and work at a company located in I.T. Park, Apas, Cebu City. FYI, it’s not Apas, Lahug Cebu City. It’s simply Apas, Cebu City. Lahug and Apas are two different baranggays in Cebu City. If you want to how that came to be, I don’t know, but my point is to get to work I have to take at least two rides on a public utility jeepney a.k.a. PUJ. The first ride is on the way to Cebu City. I disembark at Sto. Rosario Church. Any jeepney with a San Carlos signboard will take me there. And then I take a connecting ride from Pelaez St. to Apas on board any Apas Roadlines – 17B or 17D. Sometimes it takes three rides especially that San Carlos bound PUJs are very rare in Bulacao thus I am compelled to take a tricycle ride to St. Paul where such PUJs abound. Now, with those rides, how long does it take to get to my workplace? Approximately an hour.

I travel alone. Ever since I transferred to another company, I have been taking this solitary travels to work more often. My father, the official chauffeur at home, used to take me to work but when I transferred to a new company which is farther than my previous one and when he learned that I can get in to work as late as 9AM, and after a few trips, he finally tendered his resignation. He complained that it was just too far and explained that there is no need for me to hurry to work since my time in is at 9. I couldn’t prevent him from resigning so I gave my reluctant OK, and added a litany of complaints - so this means that I’ll have to inhale as much carbon monoxide available in the atmosphere and endure the scorching heat of the sun or the hassles of torrential rains, risk my life with criminals boarding jeepneys…” But my tantrums mattered nothing to him. Do I have a choice? Yes, I do. I can take a cab. But that’s too costly for me, too much for my measly net pay. And this leaves me to one choice, taking the PUJ. (Gulp)

A solitary one hour ride…I thought it would be an excruciating experience but I was wrong. I realized that on these one hour rides I get to do a lot of thinking…a lot of thinking on just about anything.

One time, after receiving a heartbreaking news through text, I used that time to think about where I could have gone wrong. And I used that time to extract as much learning as I can from that experience and thank God for finally giving me peace of mind.

In other times too, these solitary rides allow me to contemplate on my life. At 24, at an age when so many questions and options confront you, and living in this fast paced world, wanting so much to do so much or else it might be too late, there’s so little time for reflective moments. So on these rides, I give myself a mental shake and ask these questions: Am I living my life to the fullest? What are my priorities? Am I pleasing God with my actions? What kind of life would I want to look back when I reach my golden years? These are the times I get to evaluate my decisions and assess my goals.

I get to dream of dreams that are farfetched and think of amazing ways to achieve them. I get to picture numerous future me’s – a wife to an adorable rich man, an eligible bachelorette running her own company, a single mom struggling to support herself and her daughter/son, a woman (unmarried or married) delivering her piece at an international speech contest and ultimately winning it.

Desires and wishes are also formed during these rides. Passing by UP so many times triggered my desire to take up a Master’s degree from that school. When the jeepney passes by castle-like Waterfront Hotel, I wish to meet Prince Charming very soon. And that Bernard Palanca look-a-like sitting across me makes me wish that it would be him. Haay… When that E-Telecare signage catches my eye, I feel like shifting careers. (Darn, these call center people earn lots of money!)

My dear friends, this is a testimony to the statement - there is always a time for everything. Wherever you are, whatever you are doing, use that time wisely. Even while you’re taking the shower, take that time to think, to plan, to reflect, to create your winning speech. Time is indeed gold.

NEC nya, Nong… Lugar lang…

Will you be my friend?

You know, I am so much intrigued by your personality.
You're so different from the other guys I've met.
And for that short time we were together, I felt so much at ease with you. But I don't know if you are real...I just want us first to be friends...and let's see where and how time will lead us.
You're so full of surprises and... I like that

If, then maybe

If I was just brave enough to tell you how I feel, maybe I wouldn't have lost you.
If I had listened to my heart than to my head, maybe I would have you here in my arms.
If I had risked my pride, maybe you would have the courage to tell me how you truly feel.
If I had told more people, especially those close to you, about this feeling, maybe it won't hurt this much.
If I didn't pretend, then maybe you would have noticed that I was hurting when you were flirting with someone else or maybe you would have seen the brilliance in my smile every time I see you.
If I hadn't held back my emotions, maybe you would have heard the beating of my heart when you were so close to me.
If I hadn't valued the friendship more than anything else, maybe I would have lost a friend and gained a lover and made an enemy.
If I had just allowed my feelings to take control of me, maybe I wouldn't suffer immensely but then someone else will be crying terribly in pain.
If I had just tried to keep in touch when I went away, maybe you wouldn't have played around.
If I just flirted a little bit, maybe you would have sensed that I liked you.
If I hadn't brought along a guy friend just to make you jealous, then maybe you wouldn't have given up.
If I had said yes to your semi-invitations for a date, maybe we would have the time to talk and made things clear between us.
If I had just tried to fight for my feelings, then maybe things were easier.
If I was just as gutsy as other women, maybe I would have known the truth earlier and pain won't linger for so long.
If I hadn't went away, maybe you wouldn't think I was trying to push you out of my life.
But things weren't getting any better. The longer I stayed, the longer I see you, the longer I feel your presence made me only suffer. A happy face I put on yet deep inside me was hurting badly. I was hurting and confused while you were cold and silent. And now that you have found someone new, someone who loved you back, someone who doesn't push you away, someone brave enough to tell you how she feels, I felt I haven't done enough.
I may only have regrets and memories, yet I still feel I have done the right thing - to go away, away from you.
I wish to see you again but not now. Let me get over you. And we shall meet again at the right time, at the time when wounds are already healed, at a time when I shall find my man too.

Regrets by Panyang

if tears were meant to flow
i'd rather let my pain grow
if songs were sung to heal
i'd rather be silent and still

if i were to turn back time
i'd rather dream of you and sigh
if i just said those words to you
i'd rather be feeling gay, not blue

if you are meant for somebody
i'd rather be your friend only
if i had known that you loved me
i'd rather accept than set you free

if i were to see you everyday
i'd rather be with you than stay away
if goodbye means now
i'd rather keep you in my heart somehow

if loving someone can help me get over you
i'd rather do it to help me move on too
if letting you go was best for me
i'd rather be lonely to make you happy

if things will be better this way
i'd rather wish you the best today
if there is no I in YOU
i'd rather wish you will love her the way i do

if one day we will meet again
i'd rather wait if i can
if one day i will be over you
i'd rather try though its hard to do

if today you will finally go
i'd rather let you than to stoop that low
if my heart can take the pain
i'd rather take it than go insane

if today is goodbye
i will just have to try to move on and let you hear me say
you were a big part of my everyday
thank you for making me who i am today

DEVELOP THE RIGHT (SELF) ATTITUDE

Here are 10 suggestions to help you develop and maintain a healthy
self-image. Read them slowly. Meditate on them regularly.

1. Hate your sin, but never hate yourself.

2. Be quick to repent.

3. When God gives you light, walk in it.

4. Stop saying negative things about yourself. God loves you and it's
wrong to hate what He loves. He has great plans for you, so you're in
conflict with Him when you speak negatively concerning your future.

5. Never be afraid to admit that you've made a mistake and don't always
assume that when things go wrong, it must be 'my fault'.

6. Don't meditate excessively on what you've done, right or wrong; both
of these activities keep your mind on you! Center your thoughts on
Christ.

7. Take good care of yourself physically. Make the best of what God gave
you to work with, but don't be obsessed with your appearance.

8. Never stop learning but don't allow your education to become a point
of pride. God doesn't use you because of what's in your head: He uses
you because of what's in your heart.

9. Realize that your talents are a gift, not something you have
manufactured yourself; never look down on people who can't do what you
do.

10. Don't despise your weaknesses they keep you dependent on God.

-- Author Unknown

Jesus, my lover, my ideal man...

I realized tonight that I have been so preoccupied with with Pome that I have failed to notice the one true man who loves me so much even if I wouldn't love him back.

I have always wanted a guy to serenade me with his guitar and I thought I had found him in Pome. I have fixed my mind and heart on Pome to the point of going crazy in love over him. And only to realize that he could never love me back. My heart broke for that. I found myself hurting, crying, and almost paranoid. I thought I had lost forever the right man. Yet tonight I realized I hadn't lost him at all...For tonight, I was serenaded by a man in guitar, my one man, my man who needed me and who fills my emptiness and heals my pain. He touched my heart and soul. And I'm truly grateful, truly blessed to have him in my life...my Jesus.

A FRIENDSHIP STORY

It all started in third year high school.

There were ten of us. It was a project for our English class. We decided on putting up a comical skit where we were all actors, and in some ways, directors. We were depicting a segment in the classroom life of a bunch of high school kids and then a reunion many years later where we see what had become of those kids when they grew up. It was one of the highlights of our high school life for that little skit we performed in the classroom was brought on stage. Our English teacher was so impressed that she decided on including it in the program during the English Festival. Wow! We became overnight celebrities. And so much hidden talents have been discovered. And so it made a difference in our lives. And so out of that little project, a precious thing was born, something that we carry with us wherever we go and whatever happens.

So there were ten of us. Ten high school girls in white long sleeve blouses and blue skirts.

There was Rosy. The ever so lovely and shapely Rosy. She was the childish one in the group. She loved to draw, color, cut and paint. Very artistic. She always had some “giveaways” which she herself made for her friends on special occasions - on Valentine’s day, Christmas, Graduation day. I still have some of her gifts displayed in my room or kept in my treasure box.

Then there’s tall and big-boned Grace. Ever so generous and hardworking Grace. She sold food stuff – biscuits, chocolates, chips, etc.

Another tall and big-boned friend was Honey. She was the “millionaire” in the group. Her father was a seaman and her mother, a nurse in the U.S. She could always afford to treat all of us. Honey is my oldest friend. We knew each other since we were four or five.

Then there’s the aggressive and outspoken Kay. She wrote for the school paper and ultimately became the editor in chief. She was really intelligent but a bit lazy, too.

And then there’s Dee. Talkative, sweet Dee. She has a very friendly aura and she’s the kind of person you can tell your darkest secrets. In fact, she’s my secret-keeper. She’s tomboyish on the outside but a real lady on the inside.

And there’s Dee’s best friend, Dj. She’s really very pretty and she had Brooke Shields’ thick eyebrows. She was a Math and computer whiz and was a romantic too. She loved reading romance novels – from teeny ones to thick historical romance novels. She and Kay shared so much passion on those novels. Oh well, so does Dee and Honey. They got me into it, too. The book lover in me couldn’t resist the books they read.

Another very romantic and very feminine friend was May. She loved pink so much. Her clothes and things all had a touch of pink. And she had a handsome brother, too.

Then there was Rochelle. Chubby Rochelle. Always wore a smile on her face. I’ve never seen her get mad. And I still wonder what would make her angry…hmmm…

Then there’s shy, silent and honest Tin-ann. She was the goddess of honesty. Never ever really cheated on exams. If you sit next to her, you better study, she won’t let you take a peak on her paper.

And then there was me. There was Mhahe. I wore glasses then and still do...What about me? Hmm… I topped in that class.

We went on to our fourth year in high school and got into different sections yet we still managed to group together. We graduated, got into college, took up different courses, got into different schools, made new friends and formed other barkadas…

So what happened to us now?

Childish Rosy is now a high school teacher in Math. She‘s still the same thoughtful and artistic Rosy I knew back then. Lately, she gave me a bookmark she herself made.

Big-boned and tall Grace graduated magna cum laude in Political Science and she is now teaching at a university here in Cebu. My sister is her student. The last time we talked, she told me she really loved what she’s doing. I’m so happy that she has found her passion.

The millionaire Honey is still the millionaire. She’s a licensed occupational therapist. She’s in the U.S. now. We still do communicate through texts and emails.

The writer Kay is an activitist. Currently, she is with Gabriella. I heard from Dee that Kay is planning to take up law.

Dee is still in school, in her last year in Computer Eng’g, I hope. But she’s also working at the same time in a call center.

Brooke Shields’ eyebrowed Dj is very much busy with her career and love life. She is an internal auditor at a five-star hotel. Still single but unavailable.

The “pinkish” May is in the U.S. She migrated about 3 years ago. I haven’t heard much from her, though.

Rochelle, the chubby one, is now a registered nurse and works at one of the private hospitals here in Cebu. We saw each other sometime in December last year, and as always she’s still the same smiling Rochelle I know back in high school.

The goddess of honesty Tin-ann works at a pharmaceuticals company and at the same time is so much focused on her business. She has already shed off her shyness. And I’m glad she has improved so much as she claims and of course, I’m a witness to that improvement too. We still do get in touch from time to time since I am one of her customers.

And then Mhahe became a CPA, got a job and is a proud “kapamilya”, “kapuso” of Toastmasters.

That little skit made a difference in our life and became our life too. We’ve had our “classroom life” and we’ve had our reunion also, not grand though. It was a get-together organized by Honey the Millionaire in celebration of her passing and topping the OT board exams sometime in 2003. Unfortunately, not all ten girls were present. But the majority was there. We shared what became of our lives and yes, that little skit was squeezed in our discussion.

And I said a precious thing was born from that little skit. It was a precious thing named FRIENDSHIP. And it’s this friendship that we carry with us in our journey.

We’ve all taken different paths in our life, but no matter where go, we’ve taken a little of each other everywhere. (Tim McGraw)

And this is my friendship story.

If I'm Not In Love with You

He likes this song...i think. He mentioned this song to me once. I don't know why... But you know, the assuming girl I am, I thought there was something to it... =) Anyway, here's the song. I love this one, too.

If I'm not in love with you
What is this I'm going through, tonight
And if this heart is lying then
What should I believe in
Why do I go crazy
Everytime I think about you baby
Why else do I want you like I do
If I'm not in love with you, with you

And if I don't need your touch
Why do I miss you so much, tonight
If it's just infatuation
Why is my heart aching
To hold you forever
To hold you forever
Give a part of me I thought I'd never
Give again to someone I could lose
If I'm not in love with you

Oh why in every fantasy
Do I feel your arms embracing me
Like lovers lost in sweet desire
someone take...
And why in dreams do I surrender
Like a little baby
How do I explain this feeling
Someone tell me

If I'm not in love with you What is this I'm going through.. tonight
And if this heart is lying then and if this heart is lying then..
What should I believe in oohh..
Why do I go crazy
why do i go crazy

Every time I think about you baby Why else do I want you like I do..
if im not in love ahhh..
if im not in love
if im not in love with..
if im not in love with you..

Angels Brought Me Here by Guy Sebastian

[Verse 1]
It's been a long and winding journey, but i'm finally here tonight
Picking up the pieces, and walking back into the light
Into the sunset of your glory, where my heart and future lies
There's nothing like that feeling, when i look into your eyes...

[Bridge]
My dreams came true, when i found you
I found you, my miracle...

[Chorus]
If you could see, what i see, that you're the answer to my prayers
And if you could feel, the tenderness i feel
You would know, it would be clear, that angels brought me here...

[Verse 2]
Standing here before you, feels like i've been born again
Every breath is your love, every heartbeat speaks your name...

[Bridge 2]
My dreams came true, right here in front of you
My miracle...

[Chorus]
If you could see, what i see, you're the answer to my prayers
And if you could feel, the tenderness i feel
You would know, it would be clear, that angels brought me here...

[Bridge 3]
Brought me here to be with you,I'll be forever grateful (oh forever Faithful)
My dreams came true
When I found you
My miracle...

[Chorus]
If you could see, what i see, you're the answer to my prayers
And if you could feel, the tenderness i feel
You would know, it would be clear, that angels brought me here...
Yes they brought me here...
If you could feel, the tenderness i feel...
You would know, it would be clear, that angels brought me here...

MHaHe

“The best way to begin your speaking experience is to talk about a familiar subject – yourself.” goes Project 1 – The Ice Breaker on our Toastmaster’s manual. Whoa! Myself? Of course, who knows me better but me. However, formulating a speech about me seemed very difficult. “Of course, this subject is too broad for a short four-to six-minute presentation. You must narrow it by selecting three or four interesting aspects of your life that will give your fellow club members insight and understanding of you as an individual.”, the manual says further. Now, I have to decide which aspect of my life I should disclose. Is it my spiritual life? My social life? Or the more interesting, love life, which according to my colleague Weng, is missing in my life but something I beg to disagree. Well, anyway, I finally decided on telling you about how I come to be what I am now - ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the bold and daring Mhahe.

At job interviews, when asked to describe myself, I would always say I am typically shy, reserved, silent (every synonym of shy, believe me, I have used it to describe myself). And surprisingly, the interviewer would say, I don’t see that now.

Throughout my elementary and high school life, my teachers would always have this observation that I was shy and quiet and that I need to participate more in class since I have the potential and I am also intelligent.

Just last July, I had a get-together with my former colleagues and my former boss when I was a working scholar in USC. We were sharing about our individual lives and my boss informed me that if I needed a new job I should approach him. He inquired about the salary rate I wanted. I said, at least P15,000 monthly starting salary would be a good number. And he added, “I sure hope you’re not anymore the timid and super silent Mhahe I knew back then. By now, you should be able to speak up and express your thoughts clearly.” Of course I said, “Oh yes, I’m not anymore super silent and withdrawn.” I said this with a mixture of confidence and reluctance.

I just read an article in Readers’ Digest that discussed chronic shyness in children. It stated that studies show shy children score lower marks at school and miss out on extracurricular activities. And I thought if that is true I surely am not shy. When I was in school, I got high marks, enough to help me graduate with honors (except in college). I was involved in extracurricular activities too. I was part of the student council during some years in primary and secondary school. Nonetheless, I’d still say I was a member of the silent committee during those years. In college, as a working scholar, I was involved in a number of activities. I wrote for the newsletter. I got the opportunity to organize an Internet training for teachers. Oh yes, I got my hands full of self-development activities. But during meetings, my mouth usually remained shut all throughout and if asked I would just utter a yes or no or simply nod my head or shake it.

Ironic isn’t it? I reaped high marks, joined extracurricular activities yet I hardly spoke during meetings, was labeled withdrawn and silent.

As I have come to know myself better and as my self-analysis reveals, I am actually not shy, bashful, timid, aloof, etc. I just lacked some confidence. I had a very low self-esteem. More aptly, I didn’t believe in myself. All throughout my life, people around me believe so much in me yet I couldn’t. I didn’t want to say what was on my mind thinking that people would reject my ideas and I’d get humiliated. I didn’t want to be the center of attention since I’ll also be also the center of destruction. I didn’t want to lead since I know there are others better than me.

My first audit season in my first job spelled hopelessness, inadequacy, insecurities, failures. I was the worst. I couldn’t meet deadlines. There were always lacking procedures. I couldn’t defend my work. I couldn’t deliver. I was an “unwanted” staff. Since I already owned a very low self-esteem, my failures only made me feel worse. Instead of looking at them as challenges, or as areas to improve, I looked them as enemies ready to destroy me. I had the hardest, the most depressing state in my life. Waking up every morning was a burden. I wanted to disappear. Fear preceded me. Failure finished the race first before I even got to the starting line. I tell you, I tried so hard to improve. I tried so hard to do my job well. Yet it seemed all efforts failed. Drained and exhausted was I.

I got out of that pit eventually. Eventually I got my sense of self-worth back. I learned to think positive thoughts. I learned to believe in me. I learned a lot and it may take more than six minutes to tell you all about it. Most importantly, I learned to trust Him, that great guy up there, or shall I say, this great guy beside me. I learned to draw out my strength from Him.

I still do get bits of bouts of inadequacy, inferiority and worthlessness. But, you know, I can deal with them much better. Well, it’s a lifetime process but a little faith will do wonders.

As I continue to tread on life’s road, I worry no more. I’m bold about the trials and tribulations life brings. I’m brave enough to take on the challenges. Dare me.

Tears...

I saw you today....

I couldn't help it. Tears rolled down my eyes. I don't why. But seeing you from a distant made my heart ached.

I couldn't face you so I didn't sit at my usual spot. I tried avoiding you. I want to let you go. I'm doing everything I can so that this feeling would go away. Texts, phone calls, or a visit at the office...I'm avoiding all these...I don't want to feed this feeling coz I know it isn't right.

God knows how everything will turn out. I trust Him.

Away from You

I never really thought I'd go very crazy over you. I never thought my heart would eventually win. I never thought I'd feel this way. But all these happened.

It takes so long to get you out of my mind. And I know it may take even longer to take you away from my heart. With a new office, a new working environment, a different job, I know there'll be forgetting. Tomorrow, I shall know how it will be.

I have to let you go. I have to free myself from you. I know you are happy with her. And I have to be happy, too.

I'll always treasure our friendship. I'm glad you came into my life. Now my story is as great as I have imagined it to be.

Hurt

It hurts to know that you have found love in such short a time. It hurts to know that you have just been playing with my feelings. It hurts to know that I have waited in vain. It hurts to have not told you. But I know it hurts a lot to be rejected so I just have all these to myself. It hurts to know that this love of mine is unrequited. It hurts to know you have found your true love much sooner than me. It hurts so much to know that you aren't mine.

Good luck to your love life. I hope it does have a happy ending.

It's time to let go...

I guess this is it. I guess this is the answer to my question. And I'm still the victim. I'm the unfortunate woman. I should have let you go when you told me our love story doesn't have a happy ending. I should have realized that you meant every word of it. I guess I made a fool of myself. But this time,. I'll make it true. I 'll make it firm. I have to let you go. I'll put off every flicker of hope. You're just not the one. ..Painful, but thank you anyway.

It's time to say goodbye. It's a lot better to let go of the feelings no matter how hurting it is than go on fighting when it's only me doing it...good bye!

Have you finally found her?

It seems like you are getting along well. I do hope both of you had found each other. I do hope you are happy with her. I do hope you have finally found love and found someone to share it with. As a friend, I always wish the best for you even if it would hurt me. Well, what can I say, I am just one unlucky girl. And as usual, you aren't still the one. I am just thankful for everything I went through. I am certainly grateful that for a while you made me feel so good about me. You made me feel that out there in the vast and complicated world, there is someone like me, someone who shares the same interests, thoughts and dreams. I've experienced how it is to be in love and experienced the pain, hurt, excitement of it all. Though we never went really far and never got to say what we truly feel, I'm just happy of it all. I just hope one day, someday, we could talk, as mature individuals, of what really happened between us and if what we had was real. Or what you truly feel for me. And I hope things would never be too late. And despite the pain you have given me, though you may not know it, I still would want us to be friends, yes, very very good friends. Bear in my mind that no matter what happens, I will always be here for you. Good luck with this new path you're treading. I wish you all the best with her. =)

I Finally Told Her

At last, I was able to tell her. At last, my pretensions are over. Well, with her, of course. Funny it all seems how we have fallen for the same guy. Funny how we were smitten by his charms. Haha...We could just laugh about everything!

I have indeed found a real friend in her. I wish this would be a start to finding answers to my questions. No matter how hurting it would be...No matter how painful the answers are. No matter how surprising they are, I just want the answers. Maybe I'd have to wait. I will. As long as I'll find them. While I wait, I'll enjoy myself. Enjoy my life. Time, as always, still holds the key to everything.

My dear friend, I am so blessed to have you, so blessed that we are in this together. I pray you will be able to find Mr. Right. I pray that God will lead you to the right man. The waiting may seem long but it's always worth the wait.

Oh well...

It seems like you're ending whatever we have...it seems like I have indeed waited in vain. Oh well, if that is how you want things to be, there's nothing much I can do. I have tried to get my message across and I wouldn't say you didn't get it. Oh well, I have done my part and I know you're telling me that I can't get what I want. Oh well, I have to move on. Maybe, the right guy isn't just you and maybe he's just around the corner. I have just been blinded by you. I'm so sorry to bother you. And I won't ever bother you again. But thank you anyway, you have made my life colorful; so later on in my life there's something to look back and smile and there's a story I can tell. It's hard, you know, you just made me very confused. You have given me joy yet you have caused so much pain and grief. I have to let you go in the same way that you have also let me go. I thought you have come back...I was wrong...oh well, I was right! You just came back not the way I want it to be. And all along, you were just one of them - they came, gave me happiness, and then just walked away, without saying a word...oh well, this is life. It's full of surprises; like a box of chocolates you'll never know what you'll get....oh well...