hmmmm...

I met someone...some guy over the net...actually, i met him through this "friendship site". He emailed me and I replied and we've been corresponding through emails for almost three months now. And...as often as we want. He seems ok. He seems to be a nice person.

I'm just enjoying this friendship...and whatever the future has in store for this kind of friendship, I'm keeping my fingers crossed! ;-)

24

24 is my favorite TV show, a truly gripping, heart-stopping suspense that follows the operations of CTU agent Jack Bauer. 24 is the number of hours in a day. 24 is my birthday; to be exact, the 24th day of the month of March. And 24 is my age at the moment. Before I bid adieu to this age and before I begin my life at 25 which will soon commence (if God wills), I decided to give some pondering on what has transpired over the year I enjoyed being 24.

Last year, I had a birthday that commemorated the death of Jesus Christ and a feast of fish – bulad and bangus, and some veggies and benignit on the side. My only attendees were members of the family. I got no gifts but TONS of greetings – text messages mostly (I just wished each meant P1.00 added to my savings account) and an e-card from a friend in New York. I never really threw out birthday parties. The last one was when I turned twenty-two and second to the last was when I had my debut, and yes, at 18. Following this trend, I’ll have my next birthday bash when I turn 28.

Last year also meant new job, new friends and new challenges for me. On December 2004, 3 months before my birthday, I joined another company, a bigger one. Bigger in the sense that it employs more than 200 individuals, 70% are men, 30% are women. I was quite excited with this new environment – more men, which I assumed would mean, hopefully, more opportunities for getting hitched. A year has passed; I should have realized women tend to overanalyze situations. I am still single, still waiting for Mr, Right to pass by.

New friends. Oh yes. My colleagues in the Finance and Admin Department which comprise 5% of the total population of the company have added to my friends’ list. And I should say I get along with them very well for I reached one year working with them.

New challenges. By midyear, I became an officer in our Toastmasters club. Initially, I was appointed assistant to the VP-Ed. But the VP-PR position got vacant, so the original VP-Ed took it. Naturally, I ascended to the VP-Ed throne. I never realized this was the busiest position until I took my first assignment. I never realized it could be frustrating until members of the club started to get lazy on delivering speeches. Despite all of these, I am glad for the lessons it gave me. I’m indeed very fortunate to have been given this responsibility.

Two of my closest and very good friends and I went on our supposedly dream trip. It wasn’t really to a dream destination but I call it “dream” because when we were young we used to dream about taking faraway trips together. Really together. Never have we thought that our short vacation in Manila was already that dream realized.

I thought that would have completed my life at 24. But somehow the stars have been very kind they granted one impossible wish. My friends and colleagues always tease me about not having a boyfriend, and most of all, not having one since birth. Sometimes it does irritate me and sometimes it makes me desperate. Hopeless romantic, that’s what they call me. And they’d tease me too about never being kissed. Yes, I’ve never been kissed. So what? I retorted but deep inside me yearns to try that, too. Surprisingly, some guy gave me that. He wasn’t my boyfriend, not even some guy interested in me, not even a friend. It happened during a night out organized by my balikbayan friend. I got so drunk, got so wasted and practically threw myself over my friend’s guy friend who I just met that night. And the rest is history. It was just a kiss, mind you. Nothing more than that. So that’s how I got my first kiss. Unforgettable and unromantic. At least though, I got to try it before it might be too late.

One month more to go…I’m going to be 25. Who knows what the remaining days can offer me before I turn 25. But whatever is in store for me, I am excited about it. I just can’t wait to be 25.

25th March 2006

March 25, 2006. A memorable date in my life. It's actually a day after my birthday. And this day, I competed in the Toastmasters International Division C Speech Contest representing Area 21 for the International Category. Fortunately I won...I won third place! It's actually mixed feelings. I feel good and disappointed. Good that I won't be experiencing the same tension, nervousness one feels during contests. Disappointed because I didn't win when I have in fact given out my best and it was truly a remarkable performance (I think so! :D). Disappointed too that I have spent so much to prepare - money, time, effort, etc. and ended up not getting what I wanted. But like the message of my speech, life could sometimes be frustrating, unfair and ugly. Indeed, it is full of uncertainties. And amidst all these, I can only give out my trust. Trust in God, trust in His plans. Definitely, I will enjoy my life. ;)

Dare Me

Are you ready for the world?!

Armed with a college diploma, an impressive TOR, guts, and dreams, I was ready for anything. Underneath my breath, I declared: Dare me!

Honestly, beneath my bold statement was a bundle of quivers, gulps and anxieties. Despite this uneasy feeling, I was determined to fulfill my dreams. Dare me!

In college, a man I deemed smart and rich, told me, “You’ve got to have a map for your life. You have to set some direction. Five years, ten years from now…what do you want to happen to your life? Write them down. Look at it from time to time. This will help you achieve your goals.” So I did exactly what he told me. I made this map – after I graduate, I’m going to review for the CPA Board Exams, take the exams, be a CPA. Work for an auditing firm. Stay there for five years. Get an MBA. Get out of that auditing firm and work for a multinational company in a top position. Drive my own car and have my own boyfriend. Maybe by 28, get married and have kids.

I took the board exams, passed it, worked for an auditing firm for two years, went out of that firm and I got myself employed in a Japanese-owned company in a below the top position. I take 10E or 10F and then 17D or 17B to work. And my boyfriend is this guy named “No one.” I actually missed 3 more years in audit, haven’t even started my MBA, and my job position isn’t even considered “top” and much doubt surrounds any rise to the top. I’m 24. Neither could I afford to buy a second-hand, the earliest model of any brand of car.

And I asked myself, am I losing direction in my life? Will I be successful in this chosen career? Will I be the person I dream to be? I didn’t hit the targets. I got lost in my own map. And I started wondering whether I chose the right career, whether I made the right decisions, whether I made the right map.

Back then when I made that map, I didn’t know life after university was going to be terrible, that you’ll bruise your heart and soul. I didn’t know then some dreams live and some die. I didn’t know life could sometimes be frustrating, unfair, and ugly. Sometimes I just wished I should not have grown up; I should have not left school. I should have just remained a child whose mind is problem-free, innocent to the cruelty and complexity of this world. Sometimes I wish I never had to decide so I never had to regret. I wish life is black and white, no gray areas. Everything goes as planned. But such is the mystery of life. You have everything in place. You’re right on track yet somewhere along the way, you find yourself headed to the wrong end, in a hopeless situation. The world seems to turn its back on you yet, in an instant, miraculously, you find a solution to every problem, order to your chaotic life, and enough strength to move on.

You’ve earned your PhD, traveled around the world, served in various organizations and yet still not feel an expert. You thought by education and experience, you’ll never give out answers of “I don’t know.” But somehow, you still find that life’s questions are too many and not too many have answers.

You wish you could have power of premonition so you could have the best preparation. You wish you’d know what’s at the end of each road, so you could take the right one. You wish you’d know how many more years to live, so you could make a time frame of everything you want to achieve and never have to say it’s too late.

But come to think of it too, if everything in life had to present itself clearly, would there be such words as excitement, anticipation, intriguing, interesting, and spontaneity? How plain and boring could our stories be! How few the life lessons we learn! How tiresome it is to listen to our speeches!

My life right now may have not turned out the way I wanted it. And maybe some dreams have not been realized now but perhaps later. I may not have found Mr. Right. Still, I believe he’s out there. Now may not just be the right time. Maybe I’ll never drive my own car. Maybe someone else will drive for me. I may have a lot of questions, some have quick answers, and others don’t. And many of them may never be answered at all. But I still love the mysterious things of this so-called life. My life has its own share of excitements, intrigues and spontaneity.

Mother Teresa told a brilliant man who was at a fork in his life and was asking for a prayer for clarity: “I’ve never had the clarity. What I’ve always had was trust. So I pray that you trust God.” Yes, trust is all we need. Trust God. Trust ourselves.

Ready for the world? Armed with trust, dare me!

Quarter-life Crisis

Got this one from the internet...For all those in their twenty's, read this. It will help!

Keep it real: Yes, the 20s may be an exciting time of your life. But they can also be extremely frustrating. Wilner suggests setting "realistic expectations." Be aware that there will be challenges. For instance, no matter how much your ego is pampered by high grades and flattering remarks from professors, no matter how "big" you are in school now, you might (and chances are you will) have to start out small and humble in the real world. "The reality of it is that most people are gonna make certain kinds of compromises as they go through their 20s," says Arnett. "They might have to accept less than the ideal. Most of the jobs available to people aren't wonderful jobs. They're a way to make a living."

Goals vs. Deadlines:It's always good to have goals because those will give you purpose. But Alexandra Robbins, co-author of "Quarterlife Crisis," explains that goals can be a disadvantage if they are confused with deadlines. "Don't put pressure on yourself to reach these goals before you're out of your twenties," she warns. Her follow-up book "Conquering the Quarterlife Crisis" is due for release late this year. It includes advice from twentysomethings who went through the crisis and survived.

Keep calm: However, even if you don't have a clear idea of what to do with your life before getting a taste of what's out there, there's no need to push the panic button and run to the nearest coffee shop to overdose on caffeine. Today's society puts a lot of pressure on twentysomethings to achieve something at a younger age. Don't let that bother you. There seems to be a mad rush to succeed. Remember that there is no race to be won, only mistakes to be suffered from hasty decisions.

Know yourself: Finally, take advantage of your time in college. After you graduate, you will realize that this is a luxury you will not always have in the real world. Learn as much about yourself as you can. Different experiences will help you discover things as simple as your likes and dislikes, and as profound as what you want out of life. Life is a huge roller coaster full of sharp turns, unexpected twists, and sudden drops. Hopefully, after you survive the first 25 years of your life without much damage to your psyche, you will be able to relax and enjoy the ride. Keep in mind that amid the threat of a quarterlife crisis is the hope that the 20s may still be a wonderful time in your life. And the wonderful thing about being young is that you have the power to make your dreams happen!

A Kiss

January 13/14, 2006. I shall write this down...I shall take down the date...And I shall not forget it... my first kiss...Well, it wasn't amazing probably because I was soooo drunk and it was with someone I barely know. And what was it like? I never thought a kiss could be so darn WET. Hahaha! Finally, after waiting for 24 years..."never been kissed" no more!

Pinoy Sentiments

I asked my brother, a Fine Arts student, “Would you like to go abroad someday? Would you like to work in the US perhaps after you graduate? He casually answered, Nah...I’m okay here in the Philippines…And then I asked my sister, a third year Nursing student, do you like to work abroad as a nurse? You know that nurses earn much abroad. And she replied, I don’t know. Maybe. Just don’t get your hopes too high, Ate, forget the dollars. It’s that not easy especially with all those tests… I’ll just probably stay here and be a community nurse. And I told both of them, I also answered that way when I was also a student like you. Perhaps, your mindset will change when you will able to work, earn your own money or when you will be raising a family. After two years of employment here, getting a salary every 15th (though I am not raising a family), and shouldering some household expenses, and with the continuous rise in the prices of goods, the deteriorating political condition, I finally gave it much thought to work abroad or migrate elsewhere, Australia, Canada, or US. Perhaps, perhaps someday, my dear brother and sister, you will feel the same way too. Fellow Toastmasters, guests and friends, good evening. Are you feeling the same way I’m feeling? Would you also like to tread the distant and unknown yet seemingly promising and prosperous lands? Yes? And when you finally bring that feeling to fruition, you will be adding to the escalating 7.76 million Filipinos overseas.

My dear Filipino brothers and sisters, I want to stay in as much as I can. Because the truth is, I don’t want to go out of the country... but I do want to go, too. I do want to go out– I want to shop till I drop in Singapore, be one of the firsts to visit Disneyland Hongkong, party with my friend in New York, create memories in Bali, find a lover in Paris…Yes, I want to visit the other parts of the world. But I don’t want to go out, too. I don’t want to leave my family, my friends, my PICPA-Toastmasters Club. I don’t want to earn dollars cleaning strangers’ butt when I can do “cleaning financial statements and tax returns”. I don’t want a job that’s way beneath my skills. But why am I contemplating of leaving the country? Why work abroad? Why live abroad? Why are Filipinos migrating in droves to Canada? Why do OFWs that are professionals opt to work as domestic helpers in Italy? Why are doctors becoming nurses? Why the growing number of Filipino women marrying foreigners?

Indeed, with an 11 percent unemployment rate, the rise of the value of the dollar against the peso, who wouldn’t be lured with working abroad or migrating? Lack of economic opportunity and a sense of being in a nation adrift are driving our kababayans abroad in search of their dreams -- and dollars, pounds and yen, according to sociologists and researchers.
The diaspora is growing. Each year, more than 800,000 people leave, some temporarily. And 2,700 Filipinos are departing daily for overseas work. And remarkably the scope is so diverse. According to experts, no other Asian country has so many types of workers -- from nanny to engineer to circus performer -- in so many different places, from Hong Kong to Italy, Chad to Kazakhstan.

I am not presently and actively seeking employment abroad or processing an immigrant application. Still a bigger part of my heart, my mind, and my soul wishes to stay with Inang Bayan. And I nonetheless have an enormous HOPE for the Philippines. I refuse to believe that we will forever be a Third World country. I believe that Filipinos have great minds and the ultimate solutions to our problems cannot be found in abandoning our country. And I am not forcing you to stay. And as one UP professor said “we cannot really equate working abroad with abandoning one’s obligation to the native land, especially if the purpose is to pursue higher knowledge and acquire new experiences and skills while getting better compensation. In fact, the OFWs are dubbed modern heroes because higit na may malasakit sila sa ating bayan kaysa sa mga dayuhang negosyante at bangkong global na nagpapautang sa atin. Ang mga OFW ang tumutulong na makalutang ang ating bansa para makabuntot man lang ito sa agos ng pag-angat ng Asya.

Even then, I still would want to challenge our government, to the elderly, to keep the fire of hope burning in young people like me, my brother and my sister, and in other Filipinos who have opted to stay, and offered their talents for the benefit our country. And for the Filipinos overseas, do not completely turn your back on the Philippines. Do your job well. Show them what a Filipino is truly made of and eventually give back what you owe the nation.
One day, in the future when I shall find myself in the land of the rising sun, in land down under, in the shopping capital of the world, or in the land of milk and honey, know that I shall return to my home, to where my heart is, in the Pearl of the Orient Seas.

And I would like to render you a song, a popular song that warmed my Filipino heart, hopefully yours too…If you know the song, I’m sure you do, sing with me please…

Pinoy Ako
Orange And Lemons

Lahat tayo mayroon pagkakaiba madalang makikita na
Ibat ibang kagustuhan ngunit iisang patutunguhan
Gabay at pagmamahal ang hanap ko
Pagbibigay ng halaga sa iyo
Nais mong ipakilala kung sino ka man talaga?

Chorus:
Pinoy ikaw pinoy
Ipakita sa mundoKung ano ang kaya mundo
Ibang-iba pinoy
Wag kang matatakot
Ipagmalaki mo pinoy ako
Pinoy tayo

Ipakita mo ang tunay at sino ka?
Mayroon masasama at maganda
Wala naman perpekto
Basta magpakatotoo oohh… oohh…
Gabay at pagmamahal ang hanap mo
Pagbibigay ng halaga sa iyo
Nais mong ipakilala kung sino ka man talaga?
(repeat chorus)

Never Been Kissed

I'm 24 and I haven't had my first kiss, and yes of course, my first boyfriend. How's that? I know I'm not alone in the world. And I know that there are still others older than me that are also expriencing the same predicament. But really, it sometimes bothers me. Well, only at times when I'm not doing anything and a lot of thoughts get into my mind, and one of them is that. Huh! I don't know...I really don't care much (like saying it's such a weight on my shoulder) And I remember telling myself before, if I ain't getting married, I don't care just as long as I'm rich, and I can afford to travel around the world and most importantly I'm HAPPY. :-D

Musings Aboard A PUJ

Ay, tuara, San Carlos…Para!!!

And this begins my journey…

I reside in Bulacao, Talisay City and work at a company located in I.T. Park, Apas, Cebu City. FYI, it’s not Apas, Lahug Cebu City. It’s simply Apas, Cebu City. Lahug and Apas are two different baranggays in Cebu City. If you want to how that came to be, I don’t know, but my point is to get to work I have to take at least two rides on a public utility jeepney a.k.a. PUJ. The first ride is on the way to Cebu City. I disembark at Sto. Rosario Church. Any jeepney with a San Carlos signboard will take me there. And then I take a connecting ride from Pelaez St. to Apas on board any Apas Roadlines – 17B or 17D. Sometimes it takes three rides especially that San Carlos bound PUJs are very rare in Bulacao thus I am compelled to take a tricycle ride to St. Paul where such PUJs abound. Now, with those rides, how long does it take to get to my workplace? Approximately an hour.

I travel alone. Ever since I transferred to another company, I have been taking this solitary travels to work more often. My father, the official chauffeur at home, used to take me to work but when I transferred to a new company which is farther than my previous one and when he learned that I can get in to work as late as 9AM, and after a few trips, he finally tendered his resignation. He complained that it was just too far and explained that there is no need for me to hurry to work since my time in is at 9. I couldn’t prevent him from resigning so I gave my reluctant OK, and added a litany of complaints - so this means that I’ll have to inhale as much carbon monoxide available in the atmosphere and endure the scorching heat of the sun or the hassles of torrential rains, risk my life with criminals boarding jeepneys…” But my tantrums mattered nothing to him. Do I have a choice? Yes, I do. I can take a cab. But that’s too costly for me, too much for my measly net pay. And this leaves me to one choice, taking the PUJ. (Gulp)

A solitary one hour ride…I thought it would be an excruciating experience but I was wrong. I realized that on these one hour rides I get to do a lot of thinking…a lot of thinking on just about anything.

One time, after receiving a heartbreaking news through text, I used that time to think about where I could have gone wrong. And I used that time to extract as much learning as I can from that experience and thank God for finally giving me peace of mind.

In other times too, these solitary rides allow me to contemplate on my life. At 24, at an age when so many questions and options confront you, and living in this fast paced world, wanting so much to do so much or else it might be too late, there’s so little time for reflective moments. So on these rides, I give myself a mental shake and ask these questions: Am I living my life to the fullest? What are my priorities? Am I pleasing God with my actions? What kind of life would I want to look back when I reach my golden years? These are the times I get to evaluate my decisions and assess my goals.

I get to dream of dreams that are farfetched and think of amazing ways to achieve them. I get to picture numerous future me’s – a wife to an adorable rich man, an eligible bachelorette running her own company, a single mom struggling to support herself and her daughter/son, a woman (unmarried or married) delivering her piece at an international speech contest and ultimately winning it.

Desires and wishes are also formed during these rides. Passing by UP so many times triggered my desire to take up a Master’s degree from that school. When the jeepney passes by castle-like Waterfront Hotel, I wish to meet Prince Charming very soon. And that Bernard Palanca look-a-like sitting across me makes me wish that it would be him. Haay… When that E-Telecare signage catches my eye, I feel like shifting careers. (Darn, these call center people earn lots of money!)

My dear friends, this is a testimony to the statement - there is always a time for everything. Wherever you are, whatever you are doing, use that time wisely. Even while you’re taking the shower, take that time to think, to plan, to reflect, to create your winning speech. Time is indeed gold.

NEC nya, Nong… Lugar lang…

Will you be my friend?

You know, I am so much intrigued by your personality.
You're so different from the other guys I've met.
And for that short time we were together, I felt so much at ease with you. But I don't know if you are real...I just want us first to be friends...and let's see where and how time will lead us.
You're so full of surprises and... I like that

If, then maybe

If I was just brave enough to tell you how I feel, maybe I wouldn't have lost you.
If I had listened to my heart than to my head, maybe I would have you here in my arms.
If I had risked my pride, maybe you would have the courage to tell me how you truly feel.
If I had told more people, especially those close to you, about this feeling, maybe it won't hurt this much.
If I didn't pretend, then maybe you would have noticed that I was hurting when you were flirting with someone else or maybe you would have seen the brilliance in my smile every time I see you.
If I hadn't held back my emotions, maybe you would have heard the beating of my heart when you were so close to me.
If I hadn't valued the friendship more than anything else, maybe I would have lost a friend and gained a lover and made an enemy.
If I had just allowed my feelings to take control of me, maybe I wouldn't suffer immensely but then someone else will be crying terribly in pain.
If I had just tried to keep in touch when I went away, maybe you wouldn't have played around.
If I just flirted a little bit, maybe you would have sensed that I liked you.
If I hadn't brought along a guy friend just to make you jealous, then maybe you wouldn't have given up.
If I had said yes to your semi-invitations for a date, maybe we would have the time to talk and made things clear between us.
If I had just tried to fight for my feelings, then maybe things were easier.
If I was just as gutsy as other women, maybe I would have known the truth earlier and pain won't linger for so long.
If I hadn't went away, maybe you wouldn't think I was trying to push you out of my life.
But things weren't getting any better. The longer I stayed, the longer I see you, the longer I feel your presence made me only suffer. A happy face I put on yet deep inside me was hurting badly. I was hurting and confused while you were cold and silent. And now that you have found someone new, someone who loved you back, someone who doesn't push you away, someone brave enough to tell you how she feels, I felt I haven't done enough.
I may only have regrets and memories, yet I still feel I have done the right thing - to go away, away from you.
I wish to see you again but not now. Let me get over you. And we shall meet again at the right time, at the time when wounds are already healed, at a time when I shall find my man too.

Regrets by Panyang

if tears were meant to flow
i'd rather let my pain grow
if songs were sung to heal
i'd rather be silent and still

if i were to turn back time
i'd rather dream of you and sigh
if i just said those words to you
i'd rather be feeling gay, not blue

if you are meant for somebody
i'd rather be your friend only
if i had known that you loved me
i'd rather accept than set you free

if i were to see you everyday
i'd rather be with you than stay away
if goodbye means now
i'd rather keep you in my heart somehow

if loving someone can help me get over you
i'd rather do it to help me move on too
if letting you go was best for me
i'd rather be lonely to make you happy

if things will be better this way
i'd rather wish you the best today
if there is no I in YOU
i'd rather wish you will love her the way i do

if one day we will meet again
i'd rather wait if i can
if one day i will be over you
i'd rather try though its hard to do

if today you will finally go
i'd rather let you than to stoop that low
if my heart can take the pain
i'd rather take it than go insane

if today is goodbye
i will just have to try to move on and let you hear me say
you were a big part of my everyday
thank you for making me who i am today

DEVELOP THE RIGHT (SELF) ATTITUDE

Here are 10 suggestions to help you develop and maintain a healthy
self-image. Read them slowly. Meditate on them regularly.

1. Hate your sin, but never hate yourself.

2. Be quick to repent.

3. When God gives you light, walk in it.

4. Stop saying negative things about yourself. God loves you and it's
wrong to hate what He loves. He has great plans for you, so you're in
conflict with Him when you speak negatively concerning your future.

5. Never be afraid to admit that you've made a mistake and don't always
assume that when things go wrong, it must be 'my fault'.

6. Don't meditate excessively on what you've done, right or wrong; both
of these activities keep your mind on you! Center your thoughts on
Christ.

7. Take good care of yourself physically. Make the best of what God gave
you to work with, but don't be obsessed with your appearance.

8. Never stop learning but don't allow your education to become a point
of pride. God doesn't use you because of what's in your head: He uses
you because of what's in your heart.

9. Realize that your talents are a gift, not something you have
manufactured yourself; never look down on people who can't do what you
do.

10. Don't despise your weaknesses they keep you dependent on God.

-- Author Unknown

Jesus, my lover, my ideal man...

I realized tonight that I have been so preoccupied with with Pome that I have failed to notice the one true man who loves me so much even if I wouldn't love him back.

I have always wanted a guy to serenade me with his guitar and I thought I had found him in Pome. I have fixed my mind and heart on Pome to the point of going crazy in love over him. And only to realize that he could never love me back. My heart broke for that. I found myself hurting, crying, and almost paranoid. I thought I had lost forever the right man. Yet tonight I realized I hadn't lost him at all...For tonight, I was serenaded by a man in guitar, my one man, my man who needed me and who fills my emptiness and heals my pain. He touched my heart and soul. And I'm truly grateful, truly blessed to have him in my life...my Jesus.

A FRIENDSHIP STORY

It all started in third year high school.

There were ten of us. It was a project for our English class. We decided on putting up a comical skit where we were all actors, and in some ways, directors. We were depicting a segment in the classroom life of a bunch of high school kids and then a reunion many years later where we see what had become of those kids when they grew up. It was one of the highlights of our high school life for that little skit we performed in the classroom was brought on stage. Our English teacher was so impressed that she decided on including it in the program during the English Festival. Wow! We became overnight celebrities. And so much hidden talents have been discovered. And so it made a difference in our lives. And so out of that little project, a precious thing was born, something that we carry with us wherever we go and whatever happens.

So there were ten of us. Ten high school girls in white long sleeve blouses and blue skirts.

There was Rosy. The ever so lovely and shapely Rosy. She was the childish one in the group. She loved to draw, color, cut and paint. Very artistic. She always had some “giveaways” which she herself made for her friends on special occasions - on Valentine’s day, Christmas, Graduation day. I still have some of her gifts displayed in my room or kept in my treasure box.

Then there’s tall and big-boned Grace. Ever so generous and hardworking Grace. She sold food stuff – biscuits, chocolates, chips, etc.

Another tall and big-boned friend was Honey. She was the “millionaire” in the group. Her father was a seaman and her mother, a nurse in the U.S. She could always afford to treat all of us. Honey is my oldest friend. We knew each other since we were four or five.

Then there’s the aggressive and outspoken Kay. She wrote for the school paper and ultimately became the editor in chief. She was really intelligent but a bit lazy, too.

And then there’s Dee. Talkative, sweet Dee. She has a very friendly aura and she’s the kind of person you can tell your darkest secrets. In fact, she’s my secret-keeper. She’s tomboyish on the outside but a real lady on the inside.

And there’s Dee’s best friend, Dj. She’s really very pretty and she had Brooke Shields’ thick eyebrows. She was a Math and computer whiz and was a romantic too. She loved reading romance novels – from teeny ones to thick historical romance novels. She and Kay shared so much passion on those novels. Oh well, so does Dee and Honey. They got me into it, too. The book lover in me couldn’t resist the books they read.

Another very romantic and very feminine friend was May. She loved pink so much. Her clothes and things all had a touch of pink. And she had a handsome brother, too.

Then there was Rochelle. Chubby Rochelle. Always wore a smile on her face. I’ve never seen her get mad. And I still wonder what would make her angry…hmmm…

Then there’s shy, silent and honest Tin-ann. She was the goddess of honesty. Never ever really cheated on exams. If you sit next to her, you better study, she won’t let you take a peak on her paper.

And then there was me. There was Mhahe. I wore glasses then and still do...What about me? Hmm… I topped in that class.

We went on to our fourth year in high school and got into different sections yet we still managed to group together. We graduated, got into college, took up different courses, got into different schools, made new friends and formed other barkadas…

So what happened to us now?

Childish Rosy is now a high school teacher in Math. She‘s still the same thoughtful and artistic Rosy I knew back then. Lately, she gave me a bookmark she herself made.

Big-boned and tall Grace graduated magna cum laude in Political Science and she is now teaching at a university here in Cebu. My sister is her student. The last time we talked, she told me she really loved what she’s doing. I’m so happy that she has found her passion.

The millionaire Honey is still the millionaire. She’s a licensed occupational therapist. She’s in the U.S. now. We still do communicate through texts and emails.

The writer Kay is an activitist. Currently, she is with Gabriella. I heard from Dee that Kay is planning to take up law.

Dee is still in school, in her last year in Computer Eng’g, I hope. But she’s also working at the same time in a call center.

Brooke Shields’ eyebrowed Dj is very much busy with her career and love life. She is an internal auditor at a five-star hotel. Still single but unavailable.

The “pinkish” May is in the U.S. She migrated about 3 years ago. I haven’t heard much from her, though.

Rochelle, the chubby one, is now a registered nurse and works at one of the private hospitals here in Cebu. We saw each other sometime in December last year, and as always she’s still the same smiling Rochelle I know back in high school.

The goddess of honesty Tin-ann works at a pharmaceuticals company and at the same time is so much focused on her business. She has already shed off her shyness. And I’m glad she has improved so much as she claims and of course, I’m a witness to that improvement too. We still do get in touch from time to time since I am one of her customers.

And then Mhahe became a CPA, got a job and is a proud “kapamilya”, “kapuso” of Toastmasters.

That little skit made a difference in our life and became our life too. We’ve had our “classroom life” and we’ve had our reunion also, not grand though. It was a get-together organized by Honey the Millionaire in celebration of her passing and topping the OT board exams sometime in 2003. Unfortunately, not all ten girls were present. But the majority was there. We shared what became of our lives and yes, that little skit was squeezed in our discussion.

And I said a precious thing was born from that little skit. It was a precious thing named FRIENDSHIP. And it’s this friendship that we carry with us in our journey.

We’ve all taken different paths in our life, but no matter where go, we’ve taken a little of each other everywhere. (Tim McGraw)

And this is my friendship story.

If I'm Not In Love with You

He likes this song...i think. He mentioned this song to me once. I don't know why... But you know, the assuming girl I am, I thought there was something to it... =) Anyway, here's the song. I love this one, too.

If I'm not in love with you
What is this I'm going through, tonight
And if this heart is lying then
What should I believe in
Why do I go crazy
Everytime I think about you baby
Why else do I want you like I do
If I'm not in love with you, with you

And if I don't need your touch
Why do I miss you so much, tonight
If it's just infatuation
Why is my heart aching
To hold you forever
To hold you forever
Give a part of me I thought I'd never
Give again to someone I could lose
If I'm not in love with you

Oh why in every fantasy
Do I feel your arms embracing me
Like lovers lost in sweet desire
someone take...
And why in dreams do I surrender
Like a little baby
How do I explain this feeling
Someone tell me

If I'm not in love with you What is this I'm going through.. tonight
And if this heart is lying then and if this heart is lying then..
What should I believe in oohh..
Why do I go crazy
why do i go crazy

Every time I think about you baby Why else do I want you like I do..
if im not in love ahhh..
if im not in love
if im not in love with..
if im not in love with you..

Angels Brought Me Here by Guy Sebastian

[Verse 1]
It's been a long and winding journey, but i'm finally here tonight
Picking up the pieces, and walking back into the light
Into the sunset of your glory, where my heart and future lies
There's nothing like that feeling, when i look into your eyes...

[Bridge]
My dreams came true, when i found you
I found you, my miracle...

[Chorus]
If you could see, what i see, that you're the answer to my prayers
And if you could feel, the tenderness i feel
You would know, it would be clear, that angels brought me here...

[Verse 2]
Standing here before you, feels like i've been born again
Every breath is your love, every heartbeat speaks your name...

[Bridge 2]
My dreams came true, right here in front of you
My miracle...

[Chorus]
If you could see, what i see, you're the answer to my prayers
And if you could feel, the tenderness i feel
You would know, it would be clear, that angels brought me here...

[Bridge 3]
Brought me here to be with you,I'll be forever grateful (oh forever Faithful)
My dreams came true
When I found you
My miracle...

[Chorus]
If you could see, what i see, you're the answer to my prayers
And if you could feel, the tenderness i feel
You would know, it would be clear, that angels brought me here...
Yes they brought me here...
If you could feel, the tenderness i feel...
You would know, it would be clear, that angels brought me here...

MHaHe

“The best way to begin your speaking experience is to talk about a familiar subject – yourself.” goes Project 1 – The Ice Breaker on our Toastmaster’s manual. Whoa! Myself? Of course, who knows me better but me. However, formulating a speech about me seemed very difficult. “Of course, this subject is too broad for a short four-to six-minute presentation. You must narrow it by selecting three or four interesting aspects of your life that will give your fellow club members insight and understanding of you as an individual.”, the manual says further. Now, I have to decide which aspect of my life I should disclose. Is it my spiritual life? My social life? Or the more interesting, love life, which according to my colleague Weng, is missing in my life but something I beg to disagree. Well, anyway, I finally decided on telling you about how I come to be what I am now - ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the bold and daring Mhahe.

At job interviews, when asked to describe myself, I would always say I am typically shy, reserved, silent (every synonym of shy, believe me, I have used it to describe myself). And surprisingly, the interviewer would say, I don’t see that now.

Throughout my elementary and high school life, my teachers would always have this observation that I was shy and quiet and that I need to participate more in class since I have the potential and I am also intelligent.

Just last July, I had a get-together with my former colleagues and my former boss when I was a working scholar in USC. We were sharing about our individual lives and my boss informed me that if I needed a new job I should approach him. He inquired about the salary rate I wanted. I said, at least P15,000 monthly starting salary would be a good number. And he added, “I sure hope you’re not anymore the timid and super silent Mhahe I knew back then. By now, you should be able to speak up and express your thoughts clearly.” Of course I said, “Oh yes, I’m not anymore super silent and withdrawn.” I said this with a mixture of confidence and reluctance.

I just read an article in Readers’ Digest that discussed chronic shyness in children. It stated that studies show shy children score lower marks at school and miss out on extracurricular activities. And I thought if that is true I surely am not shy. When I was in school, I got high marks, enough to help me graduate with honors (except in college). I was involved in extracurricular activities too. I was part of the student council during some years in primary and secondary school. Nonetheless, I’d still say I was a member of the silent committee during those years. In college, as a working scholar, I was involved in a number of activities. I wrote for the newsletter. I got the opportunity to organize an Internet training for teachers. Oh yes, I got my hands full of self-development activities. But during meetings, my mouth usually remained shut all throughout and if asked I would just utter a yes or no or simply nod my head or shake it.

Ironic isn’t it? I reaped high marks, joined extracurricular activities yet I hardly spoke during meetings, was labeled withdrawn and silent.

As I have come to know myself better and as my self-analysis reveals, I am actually not shy, bashful, timid, aloof, etc. I just lacked some confidence. I had a very low self-esteem. More aptly, I didn’t believe in myself. All throughout my life, people around me believe so much in me yet I couldn’t. I didn’t want to say what was on my mind thinking that people would reject my ideas and I’d get humiliated. I didn’t want to be the center of attention since I’ll also be also the center of destruction. I didn’t want to lead since I know there are others better than me.

My first audit season in my first job spelled hopelessness, inadequacy, insecurities, failures. I was the worst. I couldn’t meet deadlines. There were always lacking procedures. I couldn’t defend my work. I couldn’t deliver. I was an “unwanted” staff. Since I already owned a very low self-esteem, my failures only made me feel worse. Instead of looking at them as challenges, or as areas to improve, I looked them as enemies ready to destroy me. I had the hardest, the most depressing state in my life. Waking up every morning was a burden. I wanted to disappear. Fear preceded me. Failure finished the race first before I even got to the starting line. I tell you, I tried so hard to improve. I tried so hard to do my job well. Yet it seemed all efforts failed. Drained and exhausted was I.

I got out of that pit eventually. Eventually I got my sense of self-worth back. I learned to think positive thoughts. I learned to believe in me. I learned a lot and it may take more than six minutes to tell you all about it. Most importantly, I learned to trust Him, that great guy up there, or shall I say, this great guy beside me. I learned to draw out my strength from Him.

I still do get bits of bouts of inadequacy, inferiority and worthlessness. But, you know, I can deal with them much better. Well, it’s a lifetime process but a little faith will do wonders.

As I continue to tread on life’s road, I worry no more. I’m bold about the trials and tribulations life brings. I’m brave enough to take on the challenges. Dare me.

Tears...

I saw you today....

I couldn't help it. Tears rolled down my eyes. I don't why. But seeing you from a distant made my heart ached.

I couldn't face you so I didn't sit at my usual spot. I tried avoiding you. I want to let you go. I'm doing everything I can so that this feeling would go away. Texts, phone calls, or a visit at the office...I'm avoiding all these...I don't want to feed this feeling coz I know it isn't right.

God knows how everything will turn out. I trust Him.

Away from You

I never really thought I'd go very crazy over you. I never thought my heart would eventually win. I never thought I'd feel this way. But all these happened.

It takes so long to get you out of my mind. And I know it may take even longer to take you away from my heart. With a new office, a new working environment, a different job, I know there'll be forgetting. Tomorrow, I shall know how it will be.

I have to let you go. I have to free myself from you. I know you are happy with her. And I have to be happy, too.

I'll always treasure our friendship. I'm glad you came into my life. Now my story is as great as I have imagined it to be.