If I'm Not In Love with You

He likes this song...i think. He mentioned this song to me once. I don't know why... But you know, the assuming girl I am, I thought there was something to it... =) Anyway, here's the song. I love this one, too.

If I'm not in love with you
What is this I'm going through, tonight
And if this heart is lying then
What should I believe in
Why do I go crazy
Everytime I think about you baby
Why else do I want you like I do
If I'm not in love with you, with you

And if I don't need your touch
Why do I miss you so much, tonight
If it's just infatuation
Why is my heart aching
To hold you forever
To hold you forever
Give a part of me I thought I'd never
Give again to someone I could lose
If I'm not in love with you

Oh why in every fantasy
Do I feel your arms embracing me
Like lovers lost in sweet desire
someone take...
And why in dreams do I surrender
Like a little baby
How do I explain this feeling
Someone tell me

If I'm not in love with you What is this I'm going through.. tonight
And if this heart is lying then and if this heart is lying then..
What should I believe in oohh..
Why do I go crazy
why do i go crazy

Every time I think about you baby Why else do I want you like I do..
if im not in love ahhh..
if im not in love
if im not in love with..
if im not in love with you..

Angels Brought Me Here by Guy Sebastian

[Verse 1]
It's been a long and winding journey, but i'm finally here tonight
Picking up the pieces, and walking back into the light
Into the sunset of your glory, where my heart and future lies
There's nothing like that feeling, when i look into your eyes...

[Bridge]
My dreams came true, when i found you
I found you, my miracle...

[Chorus]
If you could see, what i see, that you're the answer to my prayers
And if you could feel, the tenderness i feel
You would know, it would be clear, that angels brought me here...

[Verse 2]
Standing here before you, feels like i've been born again
Every breath is your love, every heartbeat speaks your name...

[Bridge 2]
My dreams came true, right here in front of you
My miracle...

[Chorus]
If you could see, what i see, you're the answer to my prayers
And if you could feel, the tenderness i feel
You would know, it would be clear, that angels brought me here...

[Bridge 3]
Brought me here to be with you,I'll be forever grateful (oh forever Faithful)
My dreams came true
When I found you
My miracle...

[Chorus]
If you could see, what i see, you're the answer to my prayers
And if you could feel, the tenderness i feel
You would know, it would be clear, that angels brought me here...
Yes they brought me here...
If you could feel, the tenderness i feel...
You would know, it would be clear, that angels brought me here...

MHaHe

“The best way to begin your speaking experience is to talk about a familiar subject – yourself.” goes Project 1 – The Ice Breaker on our Toastmaster’s manual. Whoa! Myself? Of course, who knows me better but me. However, formulating a speech about me seemed very difficult. “Of course, this subject is too broad for a short four-to six-minute presentation. You must narrow it by selecting three or four interesting aspects of your life that will give your fellow club members insight and understanding of you as an individual.”, the manual says further. Now, I have to decide which aspect of my life I should disclose. Is it my spiritual life? My social life? Or the more interesting, love life, which according to my colleague Weng, is missing in my life but something I beg to disagree. Well, anyway, I finally decided on telling you about how I come to be what I am now - ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the bold and daring Mhahe.

At job interviews, when asked to describe myself, I would always say I am typically shy, reserved, silent (every synonym of shy, believe me, I have used it to describe myself). And surprisingly, the interviewer would say, I don’t see that now.

Throughout my elementary and high school life, my teachers would always have this observation that I was shy and quiet and that I need to participate more in class since I have the potential and I am also intelligent.

Just last July, I had a get-together with my former colleagues and my former boss when I was a working scholar in USC. We were sharing about our individual lives and my boss informed me that if I needed a new job I should approach him. He inquired about the salary rate I wanted. I said, at least P15,000 monthly starting salary would be a good number. And he added, “I sure hope you’re not anymore the timid and super silent Mhahe I knew back then. By now, you should be able to speak up and express your thoughts clearly.” Of course I said, “Oh yes, I’m not anymore super silent and withdrawn.” I said this with a mixture of confidence and reluctance.

I just read an article in Readers’ Digest that discussed chronic shyness in children. It stated that studies show shy children score lower marks at school and miss out on extracurricular activities. And I thought if that is true I surely am not shy. When I was in school, I got high marks, enough to help me graduate with honors (except in college). I was involved in extracurricular activities too. I was part of the student council during some years in primary and secondary school. Nonetheless, I’d still say I was a member of the silent committee during those years. In college, as a working scholar, I was involved in a number of activities. I wrote for the newsletter. I got the opportunity to organize an Internet training for teachers. Oh yes, I got my hands full of self-development activities. But during meetings, my mouth usually remained shut all throughout and if asked I would just utter a yes or no or simply nod my head or shake it.

Ironic isn’t it? I reaped high marks, joined extracurricular activities yet I hardly spoke during meetings, was labeled withdrawn and silent.

As I have come to know myself better and as my self-analysis reveals, I am actually not shy, bashful, timid, aloof, etc. I just lacked some confidence. I had a very low self-esteem. More aptly, I didn’t believe in myself. All throughout my life, people around me believe so much in me yet I couldn’t. I didn’t want to say what was on my mind thinking that people would reject my ideas and I’d get humiliated. I didn’t want to be the center of attention since I’ll also be also the center of destruction. I didn’t want to lead since I know there are others better than me.

My first audit season in my first job spelled hopelessness, inadequacy, insecurities, failures. I was the worst. I couldn’t meet deadlines. There were always lacking procedures. I couldn’t defend my work. I couldn’t deliver. I was an “unwanted” staff. Since I already owned a very low self-esteem, my failures only made me feel worse. Instead of looking at them as challenges, or as areas to improve, I looked them as enemies ready to destroy me. I had the hardest, the most depressing state in my life. Waking up every morning was a burden. I wanted to disappear. Fear preceded me. Failure finished the race first before I even got to the starting line. I tell you, I tried so hard to improve. I tried so hard to do my job well. Yet it seemed all efforts failed. Drained and exhausted was I.

I got out of that pit eventually. Eventually I got my sense of self-worth back. I learned to think positive thoughts. I learned to believe in me. I learned a lot and it may take more than six minutes to tell you all about it. Most importantly, I learned to trust Him, that great guy up there, or shall I say, this great guy beside me. I learned to draw out my strength from Him.

I still do get bits of bouts of inadequacy, inferiority and worthlessness. But, you know, I can deal with them much better. Well, it’s a lifetime process but a little faith will do wonders.

As I continue to tread on life’s road, I worry no more. I’m bold about the trials and tribulations life brings. I’m brave enough to take on the challenges. Dare me.

Tears...

I saw you today....

I couldn't help it. Tears rolled down my eyes. I don't why. But seeing you from a distant made my heart ached.

I couldn't face you so I didn't sit at my usual spot. I tried avoiding you. I want to let you go. I'm doing everything I can so that this feeling would go away. Texts, phone calls, or a visit at the office...I'm avoiding all these...I don't want to feed this feeling coz I know it isn't right.

God knows how everything will turn out. I trust Him.

Away from You

I never really thought I'd go very crazy over you. I never thought my heart would eventually win. I never thought I'd feel this way. But all these happened.

It takes so long to get you out of my mind. And I know it may take even longer to take you away from my heart. With a new office, a new working environment, a different job, I know there'll be forgetting. Tomorrow, I shall know how it will be.

I have to let you go. I have to free myself from you. I know you are happy with her. And I have to be happy, too.

I'll always treasure our friendship. I'm glad you came into my life. Now my story is as great as I have imagined it to be.